Broken

Harsh Reality

As the weeks turned to months, I found myself falling for Eren at an alarming speed. After my revelation of the feelings I had suppressed for so long, I realized how incredibly oblivious I had been. The way my stomach would flip when he shot me a crooked smile, the way I wouldn't be able to look away if the sun caught his eyes just right — everything was beginning to make sense. Little things from our past that always seemed strange or that I had just shrugged off could easily be explained in one sentence. I had a thing for my best friend. Part of me was giddy with the excitement that comes along with a newly discovered crush — no matter how long that crush was there and just hadn't been noticed. But part of me was also terrified. Absolutely, gut-wrenchingly terrified.

I tried to heed Mikasa's advice and try not to think about Jean. But it was getting increasingly difficult the more I realized exactly how head over heels for Eren I actually was. And suddenly it was like I was seeing Jean in a whole new light. I supposed I had always known how he treated me was not to the usual standards, but it never really sunk in. Yes, the beatings and the harsh words were very real for me, but somehow I never really saw how awful things between us actually were. Not that they are all the time. But something seemed to go off in me — like some sort of alarm.

Spending more and more time with Eren made me start to see that things back at home weren't as great as they could've been. And yet, despite my feelings for Eren and the slow realization that Jean could've been treating me better, I stayed with him. I could've run away with Eren and left Jean and all my problems behind me. But something made me stay.

Deep down in my heart, I still thought Jean loved me. He just punched and kicked me sometimes. I wasn't sure what it was still tying me to him, but all I knew was that it was there and it wasn't letting go of me anytime soon. Because no matter what he did to me, he always apologized. He always told me he was sorry, that he loved me, that he'd never do it again. And when he did, it was always because of something I had done. I triggered his inability to control his anger. Then all his worrying about me, all his concern for my well-being was lashed out on me in a whorl of blind assault.

And as much as I never wanted to be in the middle of that ever again, I couldn't help feeling guilty. Jean and I had been together for so long, and he loved me so much that I couldn't bear to leave him heartbroken. Because even after everything, a small part of me loved him too. But there was another part of me that thought he would go absolutely ballistic if I ever wanted to break it off with him. That he would hunt me down if I ran away and drag me back to him. I tried not to think about what he would do to me after that.

And I still didn't understand why he was suddenly so lenient with me — letting me go out for an entire day and giving a specific time to return. He had never let me do things on my own, especially out of the house. And it was so sudden. One day he was yelling at me for leaving the house and the next he was yelling at me to go out. It hadn't made any sense then, and it still didn't make any sense now. But I didn't think much of it. I had been so ecstatic at finally getting a chance to see Eren without a possible risk of a beating, I had failed to dwell on the strangeness of the situation. But now it had been going on for months and it was beginning to become more apparent.

After telling me to leave, requesting another bottle of aspirin, and informing me of my daily curfew, I left Jean to his television and shut the door behind me. I didn't understand what was going on and took a moment to think it over on the drive to Eren's house. But once I had pulled into the driveway, I shook the thoughts away. I knocked on the door and it was answered by Mikasa who gave me a smile. "Hey, Min, good to see you."

"You too," I said as she let me in. I hadn't seen her since our talk, but judging by the returned exuberance of her brother, I figured she knew I had apologized. "Eren's outside on the porch. I'm making sandwiches, they should be ready in a couple minutes."