Extra Salty Reviews (Closed)

Charred Bones

Summary: A woman trapped between two worlds must choose between loyalty to her people or her sister.

Worked for me: Your world building is intriguing. The descriptions and imagery are vivid and engaging. The central conflict and tension are interesting, and I would love to read more.

Needs work: Characterization. I got a stronger feel for Galileah than I did for Castalia. Until chapter 4, when she finally demonstrates agency in the plot, I don't get much of a sense of her at all. You have a really interesting setup with the huboans being treated as lesser than humans, and yet living in relative peace without a need for a hierarchy, but Castalia just seems to follow the plot, instead of driving it.

I am not sure you started the story in the right place. The first chapter seems to only serve to introduce Mecilla. I think you could introduce the setting more effectively by integrating it into the narrative, as it becomes important. Start with the meeting, and the decision to institute a monarchy on the people, then spend some time describing Mecilla as Castalia seeks out Krona. Every chapter should be moving the plot forward, in addition to whatever else it needs to accomplish. I think you would benefit greatly from an outline or writing plan.

You use a lot of longwinded and complex sentence constructions, which take the power out of your works. Simplifying your syntax where possible will give each paragraph greater punch.

Overall: 6/10 A more straightforward writing style and overall narrative organization will let your descriptions and imagery to shine through.