Chasing Pavements

What Ifs

"That was the next time I saw him. You see, we keep missing each other, Doc."

"That must have been frustrating."

"Yeah..."

"We have 5 more minutes in this session, Maine. So far we have discussed a bit about your first love, but nothing about your husband... "

"Maybe in the next session Doc."

"Anything else you want to add then?"

"I wish I married him instead."

"Him, Alden?"

"Y-yes... When he asked me to... When I told him I was getting married in a few days. He went to my house that night and asked me.. No begged me to reconsider... But I didn't..."

Maine stared at her ring finger, turning it around.

"And now I'm here...."

Maine paused and just stared at her ring for a few moments. Then she looks at the wall clock, and stands up abruptly.

"Thank you Doc, 5 minutes is up, that's it I guess." Maine holds out her hand.

"Let's continue next session Maine. I will take note of where we left off." Dr. Villa stands up and shook her hand. "I recommend that you come in at least twice a week so we can be more effective."

Maine finalized her schedule with the Doctor and went on her way.

She walks to her car and stays inside for a while.

She has kept this burden for a few months now, and she couldn't take it any longer. She couldn't tell her family, her friends. Her child. Him. She couldn't tell anyone.

Matthew's gay. And he kept if from me. My husband. The person who was supposed to be my best friend. After all these years. I gave this man 10 years of my life. And he betrayed me.

She wonders what her life would have been if she had married Alden instead.

If she had said yes to him instead...

If she made love to him and carried HIS child, instead...

If only...

Maine starts to drive home.

"Time to put on a straight face again, Maine. You can do this... Just a few more months... until Matthew recovers... Then you can be free..."