Visions and Daydreams

Time To Go

WARNING
This story contains the acts of self harm and suicide. If you are contemplating these acts or have participated in them, please locate your national suicide hotline for help. Please do not read this if you feel it may trigger any negative actions / thoughts.

I'm sorry.

Being here and interrupting everyone's happiness wasn't my plan, but I guess no matter what I do I still manage to be a burden. Maybe if I had just refrained from talking to everyone, no one would have to feel as though they needed to pity me. It's a bit too late for that now, and it's not like I can backtrack to fix everything, so I'll just speed things up for myself.

I don't want a funeral, so just bury me and go on with your day. I'll be dead, so trying to make things perfect for me would be a waste. Just bury me, please. No one even needs to come and bring flowers. All I ask is that you understand that this, my suicide, is no one's fault. This is my choice. No one forced me to do this. I'm just trying to make up for all of the mistakes I've done and to give everyone what they've always wanted; for this burden, Leah Karen Rose, to disappear.

To whoever reads this letter, burn it. Burn everything I own, so I can be completely gone.

~ Leah

∞∞∞∞∞∞

She set the lined paper down, her tears making small withered spots as the blue inked words ran down the page. The tub was already filled with steaming water as a sharpened knife sat on its rim. All that was missing was her, and she began to strip her body bare. Her long brown hair hung down to the center of her back where it reached, it's youthful curls bouncing as she walked to the sink to light the vanilla candles that surrounded it and then over to the light switch. She turned and looked at the mirror before her:

Her once tawny skin looked a sickly yellow from the many days she stayed hidden in her room from the sun's light.

Her large gut hung low with fat as red stretch marks veined all over her body, each one a milestone from all the weight she had gained since the fifth grade; the pounds increasing with her every passing year.

Her flabby face was dotted with pimples and sunken dead eyes that ached to be put to sleep.

She snapped her hazel headlights shut, the sight of her own body made her sick, and she flipped off the light. All that could be seen was the faint light of the candles and her dark silhouette that reflected in the mirror. She peaked over at the tub and could see the rough outline of the blade and the ripples of the bath's water. She took in a deep breath, the sweet aroma of vanilla entering her lungs as her heart pounded with anticipation. She wasn't terrified or thinking twice about her decision. Leah was eager to feel relief.

She was tired of her eyes constantly burning from tears, burning even when she wasn't crying.

She was tired of the constant emptiness she felt from anxiety bubbling in her stomach, and the never ending weakness she fought with every move her body made.

She was tired of being seen as an ugly beast that took away people's happiness, that caused every issue everyone had in their lives - the beast that was just a burden.

It only took three strides to reach the edge of the tub, and Leah looked down. The water seemed to reach below forever into a black abyss. One step at a time, she entered. The warmness of the water engulfing her feet and then her body as she lowered herself down. Her long legs had to be propped up in order for her to fit as her thick thighs pressed against the tub's white plastic rimming. She closed her oculars and sunk deeper into her makeshift nirvana, her chin only scrapping the surface of the water. Turning her gaze beside her, her vision adjusted to the knife as her fat fingers wrapped around the black handle. She raised the sharp tip before her and placed her wrist against the blade. With one little motion - one little 'swish' - the knife cut through her skin, a yelp of pain leaving her lips, but she didn't mind. She continued, all the way up her arm before she moved to the other. Blood rained down into the water and splashed around the tub, sticking to the shower wall and falling onto the shower mat. Soon, she was covered. Her features dripped with her own crimson and the slits on her arms were nowhere near noticeable as a blanket of blood shielded them.

She felt weak and closed her hazels, her arms resting on the sides on the tub. Her mind grew blurry and drifted, she knew that her work was done, and now all she had to do was wait. She watched as her memories played back her childhood. So many days of bliss seemed to be so slim compared to the ones full of tragedy and hate. Every passing moment, she knew that what she had done would be her only greatest accomplishment, and nothing had to hold her back.

Until she heard the shriek of her name - her mother's shriek. Her eyes could barely open, but Leah could see her mother gasping with tears in her green eyes as she screamed and struggled for her phone, her slender, pink nailed fingers pressing three numbers.

Don't worry, mom. I'm doing this for you. You don't have to force yourself to love me anymore.