This Is England » Freddie Highmore

59.

     I DROVE into the meek streets of Highgate, England. I was still fuming over Freddie's lack of communication, his lack of positivity. Even though he was grieving over Max differently than he did when Michael passed, he still could carry on a positive outlook on things. Is it wrong of me to want that for him? Was it wrong of me to storm out of the house like I did?

I sighed as I stared at the green light. I felt a pang shoot through my chest the minute I thought of the answer. Yes, it was wrong of me to walk out on Freddie. It still dawns on me that Freddie has a wall; a barrier that I have been able to reach to a certain limit. If I get too close, he pushes me away. Sometimes, I just wish he would break every wall down to let me in. He knows I can be tough, too, but really, I'm a sweetheart on the inside. I'm not afraid to let anyone in.

As I continued to drive, I thought back on our relationship. How it came to be. How bipolar it was. I don't even know exactly how I was his girlfriend. He saves my life and he claims me as his. It didn't make sense. Even when we agreed to go out, even when we agreed to end things, the compulsive want for Freddie to be in my life still lingered. What was it about him that drew me close? To want to know who he is?

I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair as I drove. I guess I'll never figure it out. Maybe that's why I was attached to Freddie --- he never truly had a plan. New York? It ended up being a mix between escaping the crap with the Devil's Convicts, and an oasis of paradise all scrambled together with the bitterness of us fighting and visiting my mother. Us dating? It was more like he had posession over who I was, and I hate to say this but, it also entangles into the matter of who I am now. It's like a case of Stockholm Syndrome --- only in this scenario, I have the power to check out anytime I'd like.

But as the Eagles put it, I can never leave. The minute I escaped Freddie's grip the first time and allowed him into my life once again, he had me. Every ounce of me. From my body to my heart. He had -- and still has -- all of me.

..

  Just as I was about to turn into a parking area with a bar in front of it, I hear my phone vibrate inside the cup holder. I picked it up, seeing Freddie's name on the caller ID. Sighing, I bring the device up to my ear and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Freddie slurred. He was clearly drunk. "I'm sorry for what I did earlier. . ."

I sighed. Something about Freddie being both drunk and vulnerable made things irresistible for me. He sounded sexy when he apologized in a drunken stupor, and because of this odd attraction, I began to forgive him.

"It's not okay to push me away," I replied. "but I do forgive you."

Static wavered on the other end before Freddie spoke once again. "Can you come over? There's a lot I hadn't told you. A-and I think I need to do it now. So please? Can you?"

I nod my head. "Yeah." I replied. "I'll be there in a bit."

The call ended and I began to head home.

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