The Greatest of These (Sequel to Kansas Summer) -- Faith

January 18, 2004

--Colin

        I caress my wife's back lovingly as she kneels behind our house in the garden plot.  The winter gives it a bleak, barren appearance; nothing sticks out of the frosted ground except a small wooden cross with a plainly carved DJK in the horizontal bar.  Jenna leans forward and kisses the ground, running her hand over the crusted earth as if it was the head of her newborn.

        "Dalton Joseph King," she sniffles, tears welling up.  "I'm sorry that you never got the chance to make it.  I'm sorry you didn't get the life you deserved.  I'm sorry you never got to look into my eyes and see the love that I have for you.  I'm sorry you never got the chance to feel safe and fall asleep in my arms."  My love brushes her hand on the side of her Sunday dress before she settles the few strands of blowing hair behind her ear.  "But I know that you're with Jesus now."  Jenna's eyes close.  "You can look into His eyes and see the love that I cannot give you.  You can rest eternally in His arms in perfect, guaranteed safety.  I'll see you soon, sweetheart."

        Jenna kisses the ground one more time before she takes my hand, allowing me to help her up.  I draw her into me and nuzzle my chin against her cheek, pressing her body, now starting to jerk in rhythm of weeping.  Her arms wrap around the middle of my chest and she buries her face in my neck.  She can't speak, but her whimpers say enough.  The clouds blot out the sun and the wind teases the fabric on our jackets, fluttering restlessly, as if beckoning us to keep in time with it.  Nature has moved on from its loss, but we take too long.

        "We need to try again."

        I'm taken aback by my wife's abruptness at the supper table.  She stares at me expectantly.

        "But Jen, I hardly think that a few days is enough for you to heal!" I protest.  "I mean, both physically and emotionally!  Give yourself a break for a few more weeks and then we can try again, but I don't think it's good for you to try to have another baby so quickly after losing one!  Maybe you need to see the doctor,"

        "I don't need to see the doctor," Jenna almost seethes.  "I know I don't."  This fierceness in Jenna is something I've not seen in her for a long time.  "And," she continues, leaning back in her chair, "are you refusing my offer for as much sex as you want?"

        I grit my teeth.  "Going without sex I can handle, Jen, especially if it's for your safety and well-being."  I stop myself before I continue.  "There's something deeper, isn't there?  Are you more interested in sex because it brings us pleasure, or do you just want a child?"

        "Colin!" Jenna pouts, "I do want a child!  I don't think you understand how much this means to me!  You don't know how much it costs to lose someone like that!"  She grips her fork so hard that her knuckles turn white.

        "Jenna," I remind her soothingly, "Yes, I do know how much it costs to lose someone.  Any child we do have will only have one set of grandparents.  Neither my dad nor my mom are alive.  Trust me, I know about loss."  I push my chair away from the table and walk to the fireplace.  I quickly make a pit out of small branches and newspaper, lighting it before I return to the table to collect my dishes for washing.  "Jen, I know how much you want a kid, but I think you just need to be patient.  Children are a gift from God, ya know.  You don't ask for gifts, you wait for them to be given.  I don't want you to think that just because you feel that God hasn't blessed you yet that you should try to change His design.  Let things run their course for a while, make sure that we both are ready, and then we can try again."

        I know that she is upset, but I feel that she understands where I am coming from.  "I am sorry that I tried to coerce you into doing something that you didn't feel was right, and I'm also sorry that I tried to use you to get what I wanted.  It was wrong of me."

        I kiss the top of her scalp and tousle her hair a little.  "You're forgiven."

        "After we're done washing the dishes, can we just sit by the fire, and you just hold me?"

        "Of course, my love."