I'm completely spiraling out of control. I have nothing to go on for anymore. One person I care about told me they felt like they were talking to a stranger. Another, I haven't spoken to in weeks. And I'm barely getting into contact with a friend. I have motivation for nothing but binge watching a show. I haven't left my house all day today and I feel physically sick. I keep realizing how much I am like my father. It's scary accurate. The one person I want to go to, I can't. I've already betrayed them too much to even attempt to go to them. All I want is to just have a friend. And I mean someone who I've opened up to completely for the past year or two. Someone who I don't just roleplay with or occasionally talk to. The three people who've always had my back when I needed them the most. I'm bawling my eyes out and I can't keep myself away from something much longer. No, I'm not going to attempt my life or self harm but I can't keep up this front anymore. I can't keep up this act. I'm so lost in my life and I need help but every time I get advice, I ruin it. I'm just a fųck up honestly. Can't even get advice and go through with it. I'm a waste of breath to anyone. A waste of finger muscle to type anything to me. I don't even know why I bother. Why people bother with me. I'm good for nothing. Not even being here. I can't do anything right and I can't do anything useful. I'm selfish. I'm self centered. Im full of myself. I can't even take the time to check on people. Because I'm so caught up in my self pity. I'm so caught up in just thinking about myself. I have so much pride that I refuse to text first in fear of rejection. Something I usually get. Abandonment is something I'm used to. Loneliness is my best friend because I made it my best friend. No one gives a shit about me. My family barely does. And it's so hard knowing that. Knowing that my family barely gives a shit. My mom is the on My one who seems but with my dad gone, it seems like in just like him to her and it hurts me because she tells me. "Just like your dad" and I hate it. I'm not an abuser any more. I don't want to he an abuser any more. I want to be better. I need help so badly. But I'm so fucked up that I want it from specific people. And I know those specific people won't even read this. They're barely on this app or don't give a shit to read it. I'm done with myself. I'm done trying. No one gices a shit and that's something I have to accept. No matter how hard it's going to he.
