Signs of the Past

The Bump in the Room - After Summer

It's mid November when I find Elizabeth sitting in our dorm room. I'm halfway through my pregnancy and I've managed to hide it well in big sweaters and loose dresses. 

Elizabeth is seated on the edge of her bed and she has her hands folded in her lap. 

Lying next to her are my prenatal vitamins. A gasp escapes me as soon as I see the them. 

"Are you.." Elizabeth hesitates. "Margot, are you pregnant?" 

I stand frozen and speechless in front of her. 

I debate lying. I hardly know Elizabeth, she could tell others; Peter could find out. But, it's been twenty weeks and I've never felt so alone. Carrying this secret around is a burden that keeps me at a distance from everyone I love. 

Colleen knows, but I still haven't talked to her about it. If she hears my voice she'll know just how terrified I really am. That isn't something any sixteen year old should have to worry about. This is my mess. Elizabeth, however, isn't close to me. She wouldn't worry but she could be someone to talk to about all of it; she could be somebody that could help. I don't imagine her sitting by my side at appointments but it would be nice to have someone to lean on. 

"Yeah. Yeah I guess I am." I finally admit. The words flow out naturally and I feel relaxed for the first time in months. 

"Shit. I mean wow. How far along are you?" Elizabeth asks. 

I sit down beside her and pull up my sweater. There's a small bump poking out now it's round and makes me constantly look extra bloated.  

"I'm about twenty weeks along." I answer, but I sound nervous and insecure in my answer. 

Elizabeth sighs and looks down at my stomach. Neither of us say a word. 

I don't really have anything else to tell her. I could tell her that it's Peter's baby, but she's never even met him, besides it seems unfair to Peter to tell her something about himself that he doesn't even know. I don't know the baby's gender either. I read online that if I'm considering giving the baby up for adoption, I shouldn't find out. I'm not even sure that I'm giving the baby up yet. Everything is still up in the air with this pregnancy. 

"Have you told the father? Do you know who he is?" Elizabeth asks. Her shock is fading and I can tell the problem solving side of her is kicking in, she wants a resolution and won't stop till she finds one. 

"I haven't told him." I admit. Elizabeth looks up quickly and I can tell she's ready to hound me with tons of questions. Before she can start my interrogation, I raise up my hand. 

"He's a good guy. I love him." 

Elizabeth shuts her gaping my mouth closed and nods. She pulls up her hair into a high pony tail and takes a deep breath. "So what are you going to do?" She asks sounding authoritative, as if she's had hundreds of teenage pregnancies. 

I figure she means about keeping the baby, but I'm still not sure. I know I want the baby, but I can't imagine raising one. I go back and forth in my mind every day wondering what I'm going to do. 

"I don't know. I guess I should tell my dad." I avoid her question. She would only get flustered if I told her how conflicted I actually was. 

Elizabeth nods. "Okay, so we need to make a plan. You should tell him this upcoming weekend, since it's parents' weekend anyway." 

I nod back at Elizabeth. She continues to chatter on details of our approach,  but my mind drifts off as I imagine my father's disappointed expression when I break the news to him.