Signs of the Past

Future Planning - After Summer

"So, where do we go from here?" Peter asks. Peter and I are seated out by the river, like all those months ago. 

This time though, everything is different. It's much colder now, but despite that everything is better. Peter has his arm slung around me and I am cradled into it, leaning against his chest. I can feel his chest rise and fall every couple of moments. I've stopped crying. I realize there is no need to cry anymore. For the first time, in so long, everything is looking up. I no longer have to worry that my family will reject me, or that our baby will grow up in the world and Peter will never even know it existed.  

I still can't believe that Peter hasn't freaked out, he has remained completely calm. Even when I sobbed into his chest earlier, Peter's stillness never waivered. When I found out I was pregnant there was no time to react. I was still so consumed with the drama that Charlie had created for all of us. I suppose the shock from everything else made the news of the baby feel less terrifying than it normally would have. It's just surprising to me that Peter isn't feeling everything that I should have all those months before. 

I almost ask him if he's sure he wants to do it. If he's sure he's ready to raise a kid, but I don't want to offend him. If Peter has agreed to do it, to be here, then he means it and nobody will change his mind. 

Absentmindedly, I respond to Peter. "I guess we start to figure out how we are going to do all of this. The baby is coming in May, we don't have much time." 

Peter nods thoughtfully. He stares out at the water and I know he is already trying to figure out how to make all of it work. 

"Are you sure that you're okay?" I ask Peter and grab his hand.

Peter's head flicks over to look down at me. His expression is unreadable. I look up into his eyes desperate to know how he is feeling "We have each other now. I have you. I'm not scared," Peter squeezes my hand gently and uses the arm slung over my shoulder to pull me even closer into him. "As long as we have each other, I'll be more than okay. We can do this." 

I reach out to touch Peter's cheek. Instead of responding to him, I kiss him gently on the lips. Peter's lips feel soft and distant. I can tell he's still lost in thought. I don't press him on it, even though I'm desperate to know everything he is thinking and feeling. I want him to be able to process everything. 

After a moment, Peter pulls back and kisses the top of my head. It's getting darker and too cold to be outside but neither of us are ready to go just yet. 

"So, you haven't told me. Are we expecting a boy or girl?" Peter nudges me playfully. 

I think back to my dream of the little boy with rosy cheeks and soft blonde curls. Besides the dream, I haven't felt an inclination towards boy or girl. I certainly didn't want to find out on my own. Finding out the gender felt like another way of asserting the baby was coming. I wasn't ready for that step of making it so real. "I don't know. I never asked. I thought maybe I'd wait."I tell him. 

Peter smiles. "Good. I want to find out together." 

I nod back at him. Peter still has a soft smile on his lips. I wonder if he wants a boy or girl. He would be such a sweet father either way. Maybe we can find out the gender soon. After we tell his parents of course. I almost forgot that we have to tell them. My stomach drop at the thought. I can't imagine what his parents will think of us, of me. They'll hate me. 

"Your mom and dad are going to hate me." I whisper into Peter's chest. I feel him tense beside me as he comes to the same realization that we'll have to tell them. 

"It's all going to be fine." Peter asserts one more time, but I can't help notice that he sounds a little less confident this time.  

I haven't given too much thought as to how Peter's parents will react. I hope they react with the same calmness and assuredness their son had. I hope they still see me as the same girl they always have. What if they think I planned it on purpose? Peter and I always had drama in our relationship because of Charlie. What if they think that I like the drama, that I create the drama? 

Whenever I would cry or yell at Charlie, Charlie would accuse me of being a drama queen. The thought of what it would be like to tell Charlie and his family flashes through my mind. Charlie and I never had sex but still the image of raising a child together makes my stomach drop. The first image I see is of Charlie as the perfect father in front of friends and family. Charlie would show up to all the school events and buy the perfect gifts for everyone on Christmas. That Charlie only ever existed for short periods of time, and hardly ever behind closed doors.  I also imagine Charlie squeezing my hand a little too tight, throwing irrational fits over a room messy with toys. I shake my head, sending the visual away before it goes too far. 

I lean back even further onto Peter, feeling extra grateful that it's Peter who I'm going through all of it with. 

After it gets dark, Peter and I walk back over to his dorm. Holding Peter's hand feels foreign and familiar all at once. It's like no time has passed since the summer, and yet I feel like we are both entirely different people from who we were just months ago.