optional // l.s.

ten (***)

MAJOR trigger warning: self harm and attempted suicide. skip if you need to.

the time skip is two weeks later.

¤ will signify when it starts and ends.

---

louis felt dirty.

he felt like a rag doll. used, worn out and torn. he didn't go to school. he didn't know word got around that he "slept," as they said, with ethan's friend, but zayn ended up fighting a lad that was talking about louis and got suspended. louis didn't know the boy kept saying sexual things about him, and zayn wanted to keep it that way. he didn't want louis to think that he was eyed as a toy. the boy was raped for god's sake. he's overwhelmed and going insane.

liam came home from school one day and gave louis a stack of papers. they were things he missed out on in classes. he didn't bother touching them.

"mr. styles wanted me to give you something," liam said, biting his lip and pulled out a book from his backpack. louis shakily took it and stared at the thin object. the cover was green and in tiny words read the perks of being a wallflower.

"him and his books," louis whispered, shaking his head fondly. "did he have anything else?"

liam shook his head. "just said he hopes you're doing okay and that you better come see him."

louis chuckled and nodded, laying the book in his lap. liam ruffled his hair, getting swats from the small boy and left the room.

louis picked the book back up and started to read it, hiding away from the world with his eyes trailing the pages.

---

louis tried going to school, and it wasn't as good as he hoped it would be.

surprisingly, he got asked where he had been. it was from the receptionist, though. the same woman had greeted him every morning with a late pass ready to hand out and a sucker to hopefully brighten up his mood. she was the only one that seemed concerned.

he said he had a family emergency and turned in a forged parent note for his absence. liam walked him to his classes and made sure he would be okay before going to his own. zayn wasn't there, so he didn't have his other friend to talk to.

lunch was...well, lunch. louis barely ate, so liam gave him an apple. louis carefully ate it, sliding his tray to the boy in front of him.

"you gotta eat more than just that apple, bub," liam frowned. "eat the salad at least. it's not gross."

louis shook his head. "'m not really that hungry."

liam sighed softly and pulled out a bag. "not even hungry for pretzels?"

"you took my fucking pretzels," louis gasped and gripped his apple. "you dick."

liam chuckled and split the bag with him, letting louis have the half in the bag while he put his half on his tray.

liam asked how louis' day had gone so far and louis gave him the usual answer. same shit, different day. the classes were filled with useless work and unneccesary drama. students argued over petty things and stormed out.

in mr. styles' class, the teacher was delighted to see louis. louis wondered if his smile and hug was fake but just by the small squeeze harry gave him, louis had a slight slimmer of hope that it was sincere. harry gave him some work to do and asked him how he liked his book and louis told him he loved it and would definitely read it again in the future.

after class, louis stayed again.

"how are you?" mr. styles asked, leaning back in his chair.

louis chewed on his lip. "erm..i've been better, honestly."

"i..um..i heard what happened," harry murmured. "zayn got in a fight with a bloke over it-"

"so that's why he got suspended," louis frowned.

harry sighed sadly. "liam told me what happened. i didn't think he would, but he said something about me being your favorite teacher and felt like i should know for some reason..."

louis blushed. harry was for sure his favorite. the small boy scratched his wrist nervously, looking up at the man.

"if you ever, and i mean ever need someone to talk to, i'm here," mr. styles said softly. "i don't mean just as your teacher. if you seriously need a friend or a shoulder to cry on, you got me."

"thank you," louis said softly and harry gave him a slip of paper. written on it were his email and his phone number.

"anytime," harry patted his hand. "do you, uh, do you want a new book?"

"sure," louis shrugged with a small smile.

---

he didn't want to do it anymore. he couldn't.

he couldn't deal with the looks. the questions about why the guy got onto louis, of all people. they all thought he was weird anyways.

he couldn't deal with his brother, who wasn't even there for him when he needed someone the most. his dad was sent away to essex for rehab. ethan was too busy getting wasted and laid. he never stopped by liam's to see how louis was doing. the night louis came home to pack his things was when shit hit the fan.

ethan was laid up on the couch with a girl, oblivious to his brother being home for once. the girl gave him a once over and snarled before returning to sucking on ethan's neck. louis went upstairs, careful of his still sewn stitches and opened the door to his room. his laptop was still on his bed, his clothes were halfway gone and his trinkets were packed. it made louis cry. his childhood home, the house he has lived in for seventeen years has gone to rubbish and he's moving out over things that were out of his control.

everything is out of control.

¤ he packed the rest of his bags, trying not to cry. this was hard for him. when he opened his dresser to clean it out, two things stared deep into his soul so hard his blood went cold.

a bottle of pills and a new pack of razors.

god damn it.

louis picked up the bottle with a shaky hand. it was full. his name was in bold letters at the top of the prescription label. his body trembled as he apologized out to nothing.

game over.

he popped one for his dad.

popped two for ethan.

half a fucking bottle of pills for his mum and sister.

the pills he stopped taking.

slit once for the heartbreak.

slit twice for letting himself be like this.

that's how he got to where he's at now.

he was sitting in the floor against the foot of his bed, starting to feel a buzz. he was dizzy, his vision started to blur. he felt good. he needed this.

he needed the reassurance that he wasn't worth it. he needed the proof that nobody cared. this was it. the girl downstairs? fuck her. the boy with her? fuck him, too. he needs him, he needs his dad, he needs his mother who is six feet under with his baby sister and he needs to let go.

let go of everything. of the loss, of the abuse, of the sickening nightmares and panic attacks.

he needed to let go, and he did. ¤

---

i dont think i have ever written something this intense in my four years of writing. what the hell.

i mentioned beforehand that this wouldnt br graphic but its essential to the story. just like the assault. im so sorry if this is triggering and/or very hard for you. it was hard for myself. i love you guys, and if you EVER need someone to listen to you always know my private messages are open or you can dm my instagram. thank you for 1.3k, ill update soon. x