optional // l.s.

fourteen (*)

t.w.: mentions of rape, molestation, abuse, self harm, eating disorder, drug use, depression, anxiety, & attempted suicide

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"louis, why are you here?"

louis picked at his sweatshirt as he cowered down in his seat. the psychologist knew why he was there. why did she have to ask such a question? and why was her room so boring? the walls were blank and the carpets were dark. the lights were dim. there was a mahogany desk in the middle, where the woman sat with her stupid computer, her stupid swivelly chair and her stupid questions. her name was ella.

"do you know why you're here?" the therapist asked.

louis nodded and stared at his lap.

"it's best if you verbally express yourself, louis. you will feel better."

i tried that and look where it got me, louis thought. he told zayn he should have let him die, what more should he say? that alone probably sent zayn into a small frenzy because louis was doing so good. it didn't make him feel better. it made it worse.

"i tried to kill myself," louis said weakly, looking everywhere but at the woman. he didn't want to see her reaction, even though she probably had the same one toward every response given to her. she probably had this sincere pitiful look of i'm sorry you're hurting and thought that was the way out of it or something along the lines of a scowl and telling him suicide isn't the answer. whatever it was, he didn't want to see nor hear it.

"what led up to it?"

why was she so concerned? what made her care?

why was louis thinking so negatively? he was fine talking to zayn or liam, even wesley and harry, but this stranger with a phd would probably just have him take pills and do breathing exercises so she could get another paycheck. she was too proper with her heels and glasses perched on her nose. her room was too doctor-y with its books on shelves about depression, the frames with her certificates, it made louis nauseas.

"a lot of things," louis picked at his nails.

"like what?"

stop asking so many questions at once, lady, please.

"um.." louis gulped. "my mum died, then my dad -- he started drinking."

the therapist nodded as she typed on her laptop. the clicking made louis want to reach over the desk and shut the computer on her fingers (and hopefully break them).

"my dad became abusive," louis closed his eyes. "to my brother."

"not to you?"

louis shook his head no.

ella nodded and continued typing. louis wondered what she was writing. louis was giving her short answers, why was she typing for so long?

"my brother began to abuse me," louis mumbled. "he would get mad that my father wouldn't hit me, so he did."

louis didn't feel any better, honestly. it was like he was talking to a wall. he appreciated that, though, because talking to a wall meant you got no responses or reactions. his mind was jumbled. he didn't know what he was thinking. he confused himself. he just wants to leave.

being at the halfway house was alright but he missed liam and zayn. he missed leaning out of the window and smoking cigarettes without liam's dad knowing. he missed going on car rides and playing 'pididdle' with zayn to get out and about. louis always won because he never wanted to take his clothes off. he didn't like his body. it was covered in scars, his tummy had stretch marks and his legs were too big. his hands were too tiny, his teeth were fucked up and he didn't like anything about himself aside from his eyes. he inherited those from his mum. he loved his mum, why hate anything about her?

"my brother began sexually abusing me because he walked in on my dad and another girl," louis said. "he told me what they were doing and...he-he asked me to do it t-to him because-"

louis felt like he was going to puke. the memories were so gut-wrenching and sickening.

"what did he make you do?" ella asked softly.

louis sniffled and tucked his head in his knees. "he made me touch h-him."

the sound of the wheels on ella's chair became louder as the woman wheeled over to him. she sat across from louis, forearms perched on her knees and leaned forward to listen and let louis know he had her full attention.

"it got worse and worse-" louis sniffled. "-and i started to do drugs with him. it got to the point that he would have me touch him so i could get my fix."

"what drugs did you do?"

"pills," louis coughed. "coke, percocets, so many drugs."

he lifted his head back up and rubbed his tear stained face. his eyes hurt from crying and they were heavy. he was tired, he just wanted to go to sleep and hopefully sleep the rest of his life away.

"i developed an eating disorder and never came out of it," he said softly. "i lost so much weight from the drugs, and just..couldn't deal with it anymore. i had no appetite, anytime i ate i got swollen so i puked it all up."

ella nodded.

"um..not that long ago, ethan threw a party," louis took a deep breath. "they all got drunk and-"

the touches were still imprinted in his skin. sometimes he could still feel his nails digging into his hips. he could still taste him on his mouth.

louis grabbed the trashcan and hurled at the thought. ella frowned and grabbed some tissues and a mint for the boy.

"his friend raped me," louis wiped his mouth off with the tissues. "at my own house -- against my own fucking front door. i had to take a plan b pill to make sure he wouldn't get me pregnant- oh my god," he shuddered.

"if you had gotten pregnant, would you have kept it?" ella asked. louis was surprised she didn't make any side remarks over his condition.

"honestly, no," louis frowned. "not only would i still be in the abusive home but i would have brought a baby into it."

"why didn't you leave?"

louis finally looked at the woman. "because to me, family is everything, even if they're shit."

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do you think louis had a valid reason to stay?

thank you all for 2k ❤