Hello and welcome back! Today's chapter will be focused on Mine by @hellocheeky on Wattpad.
Mine is a Mystery/Thriller novella written in first person point of view. It follows the story of Wendy as she discovers a string of missing person cases plaguing her home town, with no idea how to stop it.
Here's What I Liked:
Your prologue was absolutely fantastic! I loved how you dove right into the middle of the action. Often times, people start their stories too early or too late, but you avoided that well. The cliffhanger at the end of the prologue really had me going, though, which is another bonus point for adding suspense!
In addition, your characterization of Wendy in the first and second chapters was well-done. I got a sense of her personality through the tone of the narrative— nice sarcastic interjections in the descriptions, by the way, no irony intended— and loved how I knew her quite well by the end of the second chapter. From her popular childhood to her dreams of being an actor, your protagonist was gripping, dynamic, and sensational.
Overall, this story did hook me. The mystery was interesting and truly made me want to read more (which I did, though I did not critique those chapters here), so kudos on that! This story has fantastic potential and your writing fits the genre well.
Here's What I Didn't Like:
Now, some of these may be a bit specific, but bear with me. I believe they'll enhance your story greatly, because what you have is a great foundation. There's always room to grow, though!
For one, the prologue. While I loved the concept, it doesn't flow with the following chapters. The narratives clash in tone, the timing is off, and if I'm being honest, the action of the prologue makes the character development in Chapter One seem boring. Furthermore, many readers skip over prologues as they're deemed unnecessary nowadays. Instead of having a prologue altogether, you can sprinkle in the contents of it through the rest of the novella as Wendy discovers more about the missing people. That way, it comes as more of a shock to your readers without losing the tone you've established from Chapter One.
Secondly, your writing style was noticeably repetitive in the first chapter. You frequently used sentence starters like "Although, ..." and "Still, ...". While these are great ways to switch up the way you start a sentence, you used them a bit too much in Chapter One to the point where every other sentence had one. Since you're writing in Mystery/Thriller, you need to utilize varied sentence structures to your advantage. Short fragments will do you much more than "But, ..." and "However, ..." sentences, but variety is still the key. Don't be afraid to switch things up a little syntax-wise! And this is just a little pet peeve of mine, but I thought I'd offer it as food for thought: you frequently used ellipsis— the dot, dot, dots— in many of your dialogues, which implies that the speaker trailed off while they were speaking, most likely due to a distraction. You also used "—", which implies that the speaker was cut off. They're okay to use every once in a while, but like I said earlier, variety is key.
Finally, the first and second chapter. The content is wonderful, but since you asked me to be honest, I have to admit that I found myself a little bored during much of the descriptive elements. I understand that you're trying to set up a steady image of both Wendy and her hometown, but that can be done in fewer words than what was given. An entire chapter is not necessary. Certain elements that drew me out of the suspenseful narrative and made me not want to keep reading was when the protagonist described how she was popular in high school, how her classmates were unremarkable both physically and mentally, and her description of how beautiful she was and how that got her an agent for acting. Another setback that slowed down the narrative was the amount of characters. Name only the ones that are central to the plot. There were so many introduced in the first and second chapter by name that it confused me as to who was important, and therefore, who I needed to pay attention to. What really snapped me back into the story was the description of the missing posters where she didn't recognize the victim, so focus on that! It'll draw the reader in more than Wendy's introspection and her high school friends.
Favorite Quote:
"Up to this day, the abducted girls of that town are yet to be found."
Rating:
★ ★ ★
Note to The Author:
Thank you for submitting your story! It was a pleasure to read and I hope you felt this review was helpful. It is 824 words long.
Anyway, that's it for today. See you next time!
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
