Teach Me How To Love *on hold*

Chapter 15

Mia's POV

I am the human contradiction. I want to turn my life around, yet I want to die. I have no self confidence, yet I have a slight ego. I want people to think I have no weakness when all I want to do is sit down and cry. I want to be the best in everything, but I don't even try because I'm a fuck up. I want to stop hurting myself, but that's all I seem to do. I don't want people seeing my scars, yet I want them to know I'm shit scared. When I wake up I want to be happy, but I don't even want to wake up anymore. Like today for example. I really wasn't in the mood to go to school today after everything that happened yesterday I just want to stay in my room and watch sad movies the whole day. So much has happened yesterday. I still have Jason's sweatshirt. He and his entire crew have been acting real weird with me since the beginning of the week. No daily sass comments from Jason, no verbal or physical attacks from Kyle or any other of their friends. Not that I'm complaining but it's just plain weird. I've grown so used to being bullied in school that it's become almost like a daily routine in my life. Well used to. I seriously can't wait for this school year to be over. And then there's my mother. She actually slapped me. My cheek still hurts and she wants me to apologize?! I'm sorry but I have my pride. I don't think there's a way I'll ever forgive her for that. But to be fair I shouldn't have said what I said. Oh god then there's Xavier. With him I really can't tell what I'm feeling. My mind goes all mixed up.

"Mia you're wasting your time by pretending everything's okay. Bottling up your feelings isn't good you know. Yes I know you don't trust people or let them into your life that easily but talking to someone really does help. I can be that someone if you'll just let me."

His words kept repeating itself in my head since he said them. Pretending to be okay? He reads me like an open book and I don't like that. It makes me look vulnerable. Of course I don't trust people that easily. The amount of so called "friends" I've lost is simply outrageous. I've been distancing myself from people since I was 14. He'll be that someone for me? Deep down I would love nothing more than to be a somebody to Xavier. My mind says follow your heart but my heart tells me to follow my mind. See I'm a whole fucked up contradiction that can't even make up her mind. Ugh this is killing me! Groaning I got out of bed and did my normal routine but a little bit slower than usual. I made my way downstairs to find Esmey already dressed and lazily sitting watching TV.

"Finally you're up! Hurry up and eat so we can go" she said

"We can go now, I'm not really hungry." I said as I flung my backpack over my shoulder. My mind was too filled to stomach anything at this moment. I only got about 3 hours of sleep and I'm sure the very visible bags under my eyes proved that. Esmey studied me carefully and let out a sigh.

"What happened yesterday?" She asked as she sat up straight and patted next to her for me to sit down.

"Can we do this later? We're going to be late for school." I groaned. It was too early in the morning for me to deal with this.

"No we're going to do this now. And school only starts in an hour anyway." her face was dead serious. I mentally cursed as I sat down next to Esmey.

"Oh my god! Did you get into a fucken fight yesterday?!" She half yelled as she reached out to gently poke my sore cheek.

"No my fucken mum slapped me" I said as I let out a breathy laugh as I started to tell her everything that happened from that stupid girl spilling her coffee on me to Xavier kissing my cheek but I skipped out the part where Xavier and I went to the restaurant. Esmey's facial expression consisted only of frowns and big smiles. Confusion dawned her face for a minute when I mentioned Jason giving me his sweatshirt.

On our way to school we continued talking about stuff like what would've happened if Xavier hadn't called his mum about the whole thing with the paps and how weird Jason and his friends were acting. Esmey said the entire school noticed their behavior. Whew good to know I'm not the only one who thought something weird was happening. The conversation ended as I parked the car and I kind of felt a little bit better now. Entering school I decided to go find Jason and give back his sweatshirt. I'm just going to give it, say thank you and scram. I first went to our class but he wasn't there. I made my way to the football field where the boys usually played before classes start. And sure enough Jason was there. He was the star player of our schools football team. He's been working his ass off for some scholarship. I sat down at the far end of the benches and waited for him to finish. A group of girls walked pass and gave me one look then started whispering and laughing. Okay I'm not saying they're sluts or anything but their favorite shade of lipstick is probably dick. I averted my attention back to the field instead of the group who now walked off. Cheers and screams sounded in the air as Jason scored. He's a very good player if I may say so myself. I waited and watched for another 10 minutes before everyone starting dispersing from the field. I made my way to him. As he saw me approaching me a smirk broke onto his face.