My Trans FtM Journal

Background

My name is Miles, but before I can tell you any of my story I'm going to give some background.

       I think all my life there has been signs that I was a boy and not a girl. I vaguely remember a gift I was supposed to give to my cousin, some Thomas the Train pajamas, but I do remember being dead set on keeping them. We were on our way to their house to drop them off, but the minute we got there I just said I wanted to keep them and I did.
       When I was about seven I got a Luigi shirt that came with gloves and a beanie for Christmas. I wore that thing so much it was like my favorite shirt. I would wear the gloves and beanie to school, and the shirt whenever it was clean. Some time during that school year we were playing scatterball (a child friendly version of dodgeball) and there wasn't enough boys on the team so the teacher just said "there isn't enough boys today can one of you go over there" my hand shot up and I remember just shouting "me, pick me!"
       In the third grade somehow I had already started puberty, as in tits, so my mom made me wear a sports bra. I remember throwing a tantrum every morning about wearing it, wearing it to school, and then taking it off in the bathroom when I got there. I hated that thing, still do just less.
       Ever since then I've always shopped in the boys/men's area and usually I hang around boys. Now you might think I'm just your run of the mill tomboy, but that's where you'd be wrong.
       When I was in the fifth grade I asked for a haircut (after like three maybe four years of asking) I didn't really care what t looked like I just wanted it short. I got a Justin Bieber/ pixie mix. And it was great. I had been going to that school for five years so everyone there just knew I was a girl...but I was moving into the sixth grade.
       At the beginning it was hard not a lot of people knew me so they just thought I was a boy it was funny at first and my friends would just go around yelling "that's a girl" and pointing at me. Around the second month of school I accidentally flipped off a person when I meant to flip off someone else. That person bullied me for a while, until I kicked her in the gut. (Let's also mention I was in karate when this happened) but they weren't even that good of a bully, they just made me loose patience for the rest of the day. The teachers, well some of them, made it hell. This one teacher I swear to god, if I missed a day at all, the next day he'd call me by my middle name during role call on "accident." He knew I hated that name but yet he did it anyway. Most of my other teachers were fine, but there's always a select few that make life a living hell. Towards the end of the year I became super depressed and resorted to self harm, once. I scared the shit out of my self when it looked like a scratch the next day and didn't do it again. I was still depressed, I just didn't tell anyone.
       We moved out of that neighborhood (which was the plan since the beginning of the year) into a whole new district. I started up seventh with zero friends and no hobbies. I met one kid on the bus who turned out to be my neighbor, and a good friend, but hated me at the beginning of the year. I went to gym and I just remember everyone whispering to each other "why is there a boy in here?" It took awhile but by the second week everyone knew I was a girl. I met my other friends throughout the year (trust me only two are important in his story) and we were good... Until one of my friends stopped hanging out with me because she thought I was trans. I insisted I wasn't (I got news for you buddy) and we were fri- nope nope no. We aren't friends. She's kind of an jackass to me whenever we meet. We are acquaintances that have a past. During the time we weren't friends, depression showed up at my door and intended on staying. I got super depressed and resorted to self harm. You couldn't see blood, but it was enough to scab. My friends made me promise to not do it again, and I didn't. I was still depressed and didn't eat, but I didn't harm myself. Throughout the year I had a cursing problem and it got to the point where I couldn't say a single sentence without cursing. Later in the year another one of my friends just up and left because apparently I was "a bad influence with a cursing problem" I had low self esteem so I just decided to hate her with a passion instead of trying to be a good person. Then, I self harmed again. This time it got bad, as in blood was dripping from my arm bad. That went on for a few weeks before I told anyone at all. I don't know what got me through it but I'm about 6 months clean as of now.
       Now none of this has to do with me being trans but it's my backstory. A few months ago I realized I was trans. I told my closest friends and they were supportive, well except for this one "friend" who said I dont pass. I got a super short hair cut for the school year, and I got my first binder a week ago tomorrow. This is going to be a daily log from now on so don't expect this long of a chapter.

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                                                            Posted 8/7/18