Seeking Souls

8: Pain

With each step I took I felt more and more empty, my lungs on fire as I tried to keep my breathing as easy as possible. Madison walked behind me as the two of us made our way to the lake, a place just beyond the trees that surrounded the town park. “Listen,” I had to push the words out, stopping and leaning forward to catch my breath. “Can we take a break or something? My chest is killing me here.”

       “No,” Madison continued to walk, right past me and down the sidewalk. “You’re just nervous Desmond, you don’t want to let her go but you have too, or else she will never rest easy.” I shook my head, could it really be my nerves messing with me here? I closed my eyes and stood up straight, I was doing this for Kara and that was all that mattered. She needed my help and that’s what I had to do. I found myself chuckling; I really believed that Madison could see her. I nodded to myself however, I had to help and I had to keep my shit together. Once I thought that, the pain in my chest eased up some, maybe it was just my nerves.

       It took us about another ten minutes to get to the park, and from there it was another thirty seconds to the lake. Seeing the body of water unsettled me, looking into the water sent me the same shivers as the day of the incident. “Okay,” I looked over at Madison and around the lake. “We’re here, now what?”

       “Now you talk, you tell me what happened after Kara said she didn’t want to be friends with you anymore.” That same heavy feeling in my chest soon returned, I wasn’t sure if I could do it, say it out loud. I mean, would it really help Kara pass on? Come on Des, just fucking do it. Don’t worry about what happens to you, do it for her.

       “Okay.” I looked down at the water, forcing the walls that surrounded my memory to come down, I could deal with the pain, I had too.

Seven Months Ago

       I was a wreck that whole entire school year, it wasn’t the same without Kara, and it hurt me so much to see her in the hallway and have her look the other way. It was already June, only a handful of days left until the end of this year. I opened my locker, putting away my books and getting my thin jacket for the end of the day. I mostly stayed home these past few months, not really talking to anyone, not really having anyone to talk too. I closed my locker and made my way to the front doors of the school, glancing to my right to see Kara kissing Chris by his locker. I hated him, the way he looked at Kara made me feel sick, it was like she was his property, and that tore me up inside.

       The walk home was hot, my jacket tied around my waist and my book bag holding onto my left shoulder. It’s an odd feeling, getting so close to someone that you really start to develop a memory of just the little things about them. A smell, or a sound that they make, and you get so wrapped up in this that it just doesn’t feel like a normal day unless you can hear that sound, or smell that scent. “Des?” I turned around, flinching when I saw Kara there, walking behind me. Hearing her say my name, it was the first time she had done so since that day in front of the school. “I thought that was you.”

       I gritted my teeth, looking around the street for a moment. “Don’t you have to ask Chris permission to talk to me?” I could see it, the way my words had hit her hard. I wanted to apologize to her, but if she really wanted me to be away from her, then it was for the best.

       “Can we talk about that? Please?” She whispered the words, it sounded like nothing more than a faint breathing in the air. I bit my lip, looking around the area once more, nodding.

~~~~~~

       I threw my bag onto my floor, sitting myself down on my bed as Kara sat in my computer chair. “Okay, so talk.” I was beginning to hate myself for talking to her like that. She was my best friend, what was I thinking?

       “I’m sorry for everything Des.” She kept her eyes on the floor, her voice shaking with sadness. I had to fight the urge to cry right there and then. “I know it’s too late, I’ve been away from your life for so long. I’ve seen you in the hallways every day since that fight, and it kills me to know that I did that because I can’t get away from Chris.”

       “Well, it’s whatever I guess.” I stared off at the wall, she could have stopped it, but she chose not to.

       “No,” Kara looked up at me now, pleading for me to look her in the eyes. “It’s not whatever!” She stood up, throwing her hands into the air. “I know I hurt you and I’m so-.”

       “Stop.” I cut her off, getting up to my feet and walking closer to her. “Don’t say I’m sorry, not now, not after almost eight months of no communication, no sympathy, nothing.” I took in a deep breath. “You could have ended this a long time ago Kara, you could have left him, but you didn’t. You made your choice, now you can get the hell out of my house and live with it.”

       Her eyes looked at me with such fear, like she would have never guessed I would ever say something so harsh to her. Tears began to roll down her face, and I wanted to apologize so badly, but I held my ground, too stupid to fight for her.

Present Day

       The water moved when my tears hit the surface. “After that she just nodded and left my house.” I was on my knees, my breathing so short. “I kicked her out of my life for good, and to this day I can’t forgive myself for it, like I can’t forgive myself for not being able to save her in time.”

       “Wow.” Madison said that word again, and it made me glare at her. “So, basically, he was an asshole to you?” She was looking behind me; I turned around to look at the wind she spoke too. “Get the hell out of my house. That’s some harsh words Des.”

       “Shut up.” I whispered.

       “I don’t know what she ever saw in you, you didn’t really do much for her anyway.” She placed her hands on her waist. I turned my head to the side, my chest burning up, and my heart beginning to pick up speed.

       “Please, just shut up.” I didn’t know why she was saying this, after trying to help me out all this time.

       “Maybe you should find a different way to pass on Kara; I don’t think this guy cares eno-.”

       “Shut the fuck up!” I got up to my feet, screaming at her. “Who the fuck are you to tell me I’m an asshole?” I stepped closer to her. “You didn’t even know her, you knew nothing about her! You walked into my life, bringing me some kind of hope that I can help her and this is how you act? This is…how…” The burning in my chest stopped, my heart rate had grown slow in the matter of a half a second. I fell back, collapsing onto the grass, coughing my insides out.

       “So I guess it’s getting close.” Madison whispered and kneeled down next to me. I looked up at her, trying to hold onto some type of air.

       “What’s happening to me?” I pushed the words out with everything I had. She placed her hand on my back, rubbing it gently, trying to comfort me.

       “You’re dying Desmond.” She had a soft smile on her face, not like, a dark one, but one that was supposed to comfort me. It didn’t help much.

       “What…?” My eyes filled up with tears, the pressure being too much for my chest. Madison leaned in closer, trying not to make me even more nervous than I already was.

       “Kara didn’t drown in the lake Desmond,” My eyes widened as I stared out into the length of the water that was in front of me. “You did.”