Letters To The Writer: Volume 1

No date, just a message.

To all the people who've affected my life on a personal level from first, to last.

Antonio~ Yes, Antonio as in Me. But, it's because I'll be the first and last in my life. The thought of me being an impact of some sorts, on my life is quite amusing. I mean, ironic but amusing. Dear Antonio, thank you, for being the biggest nuisance, and most appreciated person to live with. I hate how you make me feel at times, but I love being alive, and you're to thank. You constantly have thoughts, I hear them ringing in my head, I hate some of the things you mumble. You have so much hatred, and sorrow in your heart, it weighs me down. You have that smile though, it makes everyone feel like you're just great. Heck it fools me too. But deep down you're wondering "How long? Why am i her? I'm hurting everyone aren't I?" I am here to say, it all may be true, but you've come so far. Don't give up. You don't like pity, you hate talking to people about problems. Fuck it, you pushed people out because, of fucked up insecurities. I have so much more to say to you, but you already know how I feel. And you're changing for the better.

Dad~ Dad, as the first man in my life, thank you. You've taught me so much. When i was little, I'll be honest, you worked a lot. I never saw it till i grew up, I was stuck on playing video games, and being ungrateful. Sorry... Then when you did only work one job rather than three, you cradled me. You loved me, you made me feel like a son. You made sure I was raised up well, you saw me and with that one look, you showed my first acknowledgement of love. Remember when i sold plastic jewelry  in the fourth grade, so that i could get my first bey-blade. You always said, "Do you have money?" when I wanted something. I finally got money, and you drove me to the girls house to giver her money back. She kept some of the jewelry, but I took back the ones I had stolen from my sister, and gave it back. You showed me stealing wasn't okay, I appreciated that. I obviously was upset, but I loved learning right from an idol of mine. Now you work two jobs, and when I see you, I still get that feeling, excitement to see you.

Mom~ Mom, You're not first, birthing me doesn't count. I love you, but you did some things to me I can't forgive. I'm not blowing up your spot, but you'll be getting a short one here. I watched you get abused, Jose, my Half sister's dad. He did so much cruel stuff to you. The only reason he  went away is because, my dad protected me, and supposedly you when I told him. You two weren't together anymore, good ridden. You don't deserve my dad. I saw that, you jumped from relationship to relationship, for what? I guess your kids were never good enough for love. You have a good boyfriend now. I congratulate you on that.

MOM~ Mom as in the woman that raised me, I called her Kiran for a good portion of my life. You taught me how to do everything I know. I don't know if you take pride in that or not. I mess up a lot I know. I wonder how you can still put up with me. Guess that's just what mothers do. Lately you've been telling me you're there. Just the other night I had a breakdown and you calmed me down. You've made me feel wrong but, it shaped me to be better. For you, Amani, Dad and myself. There was a bunch of times where we weren't seeing eye to eye. We were in a tense situation and i hope you can forgive me fr that. I honestly was being a pain for no reason. You don't deserve that. I haven't been able to change to your liking. I'm glad that a couple of nights ago, I cried on your shoulder. I cried out "I'm a fuck up, I'm a failure." and "I shouldn't be living". I felt, glad. Glad that you understood. I guess the reason I'm so attached to you is because, I've never had a bond with anyone else.

Mahendra- We've been friends for so long... since 5th grade. I remember the times we had, my best friend in the 5th grade. You're still one of my close friends. Glad to have you. I remember I dated this asshole, and you were there. I was so young, I started joking about trying to hurt myself. You reported me, even if it all was a joke you were there. Thank you....

Jennifer Z- Damn. I've been waiting forever. It's not going to be long. You're a hoe... or at least you were. You taught me to never trust a hoe.

Jennifer S- I really liked you, and you taught me a lot too... one being stop chasing after one person who obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about you.

Lisa- Sorry to put you in the middle of these dumb fucks. Umm... you were my first online friend. Even so you were my first grown adult friend. We haven't strayed far apart, and I'm happy my life led me back to you and the game we met through. I'm glad you enjoy my writing but you'll have to fight Breann for a first signature. Don't play mercy with her she doesn't feel pain! Anyways, I'm glad that you treat me like family even if we haven't met. Some may think it's.... not a good thing to be attached to someone online. But, we've served enough time to say fuck off.

Angela V- Go fuck yourself. Just that's it, you taught me nothing, I was just having a good time but, you hoed around just like everyone else.

Coach- I forgot your name, but I did cross country and you always believed in me, even if I was the last one all the time, you told me I was a good sprinter and that track is probably a better option, I never did it but thanks.

Alyssa- (I rushed everyone else, these people really matter) I wrote this out for you, to see. I met you through Mahogany, the famous.... jokester? I guess she can be that. You seemed shy, but you talked quite a bit, enough to tell me you're not shy... after a while. It's been a long time hasn't it.... I love you. As a friend don't worry! Hehe. You're my greatest friend.... I haven't met someone like you besides someone else I'll be naming. But even so, we never had an up or down. We've always known how to joke, we've always known how to take jokes. We should go bowling again. You kicked my ass though so can we do it with bumpers? Anyways. You taught me the quality of friendship. If it weren't for you, I'd have given up on friendship. Thank you, much love.

Breann- Where do I start.... fuck I guess I'll go from first to last. You're what people call... the scary, awesome, responsible friend. I met you through Alyssa.... thanks Alyssa. You beat me in mercy, and even after you twisted me into complete agony I still tried. What I'd do now to play mercy just to hold your hands and be put into serious pain. Secondly. You were my first fan, for my writings. Especially when they were horrible (hence why I started new recently). You were there. I wrote for you, for my one reader, for my inspiration. After that you were, a great friend. We had Mahendra in common so that's awesome. Then, you taught me something I wish you didn't. It's been pulling me back to the same position, I love it but I hate it. It happens but it'll never actually happen. You taught me lust, or whatever falls in that category. . I'm going to say this now... you warned me. I guess I never really understood. What was special about you that I didn't do the usual moves like, distancing myself, cutting myself off, moving on. I think of homecoming dance all the time. "Who am I going to bring" I always ask. I always think of you, whether it's first second or third you're always there. It's not bad, trust me. I just wish I didn't have these emotions especially for a blonde... blue eyed....smart.... beautiful.... Woman like you. I mean...can't say anything else, any guy would try as well.

Natalie- I'm going to be honest, I forgot you. But you're the most impacting in my high school years. We dated, in and off, here and there. A week or two days hehe. I do miss you in that way I'll be 100% honest. But you've been there as a good friend, and so will I. I had a blast this year with you. Deadass a great person. Ummmm... yeah thanks for being awesome and hopefully we keep going with our friendship. As long as I don't fuck it up.

Haley- You're the last one... I shouldn't have talked to you. I shouldn't have hung out with you, I shouldn't have added you on social media. I shouldn't have held your hand, I shouldn't have walked you home, I shouldn't have kissed your forehead. I shouldn't have met your mom, I shouldn't have let you meet mine. I shouldn't have liked you, I shouldn't have met you at the dicks, brought you to the docks, I shouldn't have held you as I sat on the ledge. I shouldn't have fucking fell in love! I should've just walked away. I am now. Bye.