Starry Nights

Lately

Lately I’ve been wishing to vanish somewhere.
Wishing to sit alone and contemplate.
To just be invisible.
To maybe fly away with the birds.
To forget about who I am.
What I am.
Where I am.
Why I am.
And all the questions that keep spinning in my head like a whirlpool.
There are times when I just zone out.
And sit for hours without any productivity.
There are hours when I lay down and think about nothing but everything, at the same time.
Lately every positive vibe feels so temporary.
So minimal.
So less, not enough.
I’ve started to feel so vulnerable.
Feel so weak.
I’ve started feeling so fragile.
A mess.
Tears are always on the verge of spilling out.
Most of the times I take them in.
I don’t let them come out.
And this feels like an achievement.
You know when I’m actually able to control my body.
My thoughts.
My actions.
But then there are times that the smallest of the tinniest thing makes me cry.
Tears me up.
And I can’t hold it back anymore. At all.

Lately time has been passing so quickly yet slowly.
Everything is going on so fast yet I feel like I’m stuck in this forever.
Lately I am such a paradox that everything is contradicting my mind.
Dreams feel like reality.
Reality feels surreal.
Sadness is temporary they say,
But, temporary feels forever.
Happiness feels good.
Good feels scary.
Obvious is oblivious.
Oblivious is the truth.
Days feel like night.
Nights are longer than days.

“.
So, lately I don’t feel like breathing anymore.
I am not able to make decisions.
Everything feels right, even if it’s wrong.
I am not able to sound out my words.
Lately, anxiety feels like my friend.
It surrounds my body.
My mind.
Like its controlling my soul.
Sleeping feels like the only escape.
Waking up tired is like a routine.
I’d sleep for hours and I’d still feel tired and exhausted.
And slowly I feel like every spoken word by me
Would be judged.
Everyone would laugh at it.
Take it wrong.
Take me as an attention seeker.
Take me as someone who is too caught up in their life.
Take me as someone who cries on things that are not worth crying for.
But I think, maybe I’ve had enough.
Maybe this is the point where I just let it go.
Because maybe emotional wreckage is worse than
Any other kind of pain.
Or maybe I really am just thinking a lot lately.
Maybe like all the gone days, I can take this too.
I can handle this too.
I am strong enough.
I can do it.
And I’ll do it.