A Different Kind of Love

Chapter 4: Online Discoveries

After Peanut explained to me that it was when she met Maria in eighth grade she realized she's attrated to guys and girls and when she told Maria, Maria had told her that she was in the closet and she was a lipstick lesbian and they'd been dating ever since, I needed answers to so many questions I had.

"I have questions, do you mind answering them?" I asked.

"Sure, I'll answer whatever I feel comfortable telling you." She responded.

"Okay, so why didn't you ever tell me that you were bi?" That was the most important question I had.

"I thought that at the time you wouldn't understand and then you'd tell mom." She answered truthfully.

"You know I've only ever told mom things that you've said I could tell her, even when I was that young." I said.

"Yeah, but I still wanted to wait until you understood." She replied.

"Alright, so when she'd come over and you wouldn't let me hang out with you guys, were you, uh, y'know..." I said, I didn't want to outright ask her if she was doing that.

"No, well yes, sometimes we just wanted it to be just us and other times it was because of that." Peanut said honestly.

"Ew okay, and last question, how did you realize it?" This I really wanted to know since I've been questioning myself since I met Zach.

"I sat down for awhile and thought about it, because when I saw her I got a weird feeling in my stomach and my heart started racing, so one night I just sat and thought about it, and eventually I put the pieces together and that's when I knew," she said smirking, "you asked me that because you like Zach, didn't you."

"Yeah kinda, 'cause I know he identifies as a guy, but he's still got all the female parts and I don't know what that makes me." I said hoping I could get advice.

"Well, I'm not sure if you'd be up for this, but I have an idea that most people use..." she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote something down then handed it to me, " I assume you already know how to open an incognito tab on your computer, so do that then write in that site, and I know you don't want to be hearing this from your sister but watch a couple of the videos on that site and if you get turned on you're either pansexual, heteroflexible or y'know, just a straight girl dating a trans guy, after all he is still a guy."

"You've got a point, but what's heteroflexible?" I asked.

"You're straight but open to dating a different gender or sex, also do that after mom goes to bed so she doesn't check on you and you're doing that." She said.

"You're right, I didn't want to hear any of this coming from you but, thanks." I said while giving her a hug and going to my room.

"No problem Kitty, and if you need anything else just use the door that connects our bedrooms." She responded while closing her door after I left. I got to my room and opened my laptop, both Tumblr and Facebook were still open from this morning when I left. I refreshed both tabs and noticed that I had one friend request and a new Tumblr follower, I clicked on the friend request first and it was from Zach, I accepted it and then switched to Tumblr to see the new follower I got. The URL was zachariah-and-castiel-hunt-demons which I thought was funny since Zachariah is a biblical angel and Castiel is an angel on Supernatural, which I'm guessing he was a fan of, I clicked the follow button that was next to his URL and then exited out of Tumblr so I'd be able to focus on my homework. I played Panic! At The Disco's new album while doing my homework, it was an even day Monday so I only had to worry about history and Latin. I finished both subjects in a half hour and then went on Tumblr for awhile. After forty- five minutes I heard the messge notification from Facebook, I switched tabs and saw Zach had messaged me.

Zach: Hey, what's up?

Liz: Nothing much, just on Tumblr, you?

Zach: Just finished my homework, so you wanted me to finish telling what it was like for me being trans?

Liz: Yeah, I really wanna try and understand what it's like to not be be born in the correct sex.

Zach: Well, when I was little I would always tell my mom that I was a boy and that I wasn't supposed to have "girl parts" but she just thought I was confused because I was four at the time, so when I got older I kept quiet about it, although she did let me wear boys' clothing which was an upside but she never let me cut my hair, so I went for a hair style that was seen as unisex which would be the hair style I have now, and then I started to get piercings to keep myself from self harming because I was uncomfortable with my own body until I was given a chest binder and that's where I am today.

Liz: Wow, I didn't know it could be that painful to have to live like that for your whole life.

Zach: When you have people who you can talk to, it makes the pain go away for a little while. :)

After two hours of talking to each other about everything we could talk about Zach had to leave because he had to go to work. I took a shower and then checked the time when I got out, it was nine-thirty, my mom would be going to sleep in an hour. I opened an incognito window and wrote in the website URL and threw away the paper. How could I possibly be able to do this when I can't even talk about it, I was so shy in sexual situations that I didn't even like watching movies with sex scenes in them. To calm my nerves I went on Tumblr and waited. Soon enough ten-thirty rolled around and my mom came in to say goodnight to me after saying goodnight to Peanut and then went to her room at the end of the hall which I was thankful for in this moment because I didn't know if she'd be able to hear my laptop through the wall of my bedroom. I slowly exited out of all my open tabs except for the incognito window and clicked enter for the search bar, I was immediately taken to a porn website. It didn't look like what I thought porn websites looked like, at the top there was a description of the page saying that all of the people in the videos were the gender identity or sexual orientation listed in the video description and that all of the sex in the videos were completely consensual. After scrolling through I found a video that was what I was trying to figure out, it was titled, "Pre-op trans man has sex with girlfriend" I clicked on it and it loaded. The video at first was just a guy and a girl cudding and talking, then kissing, then when things started to get sexual the guy slowly took off his shirt after his girlfriend took hers off then he took off his binder and his girlfriend took off her bra and then they were having sex. I sat there uncomfortably watching when I realized that I was okay with watching the video, and then realized that I was turned on, I stopped the video and started freaking out. Peanut was already asleep so I couldn't talk to her, I called the next best person I could think of. I waited for Ali to pick up her phone, when I heard an annoyed huff I knew she answered.

"Currently tired enough to punch you since I was sleeping at your service." She answered.

"Sorry," I said quietly, "but I'm having a bit of a crisis because I was watching porn for the first time and I got really turned on and I don't know what to do help." Ali didn't answer for a minute.

"Dude, just masturbate." She replied.

"See there's another thing I don't actually know how to do that." I said back.

"I can't believe I have to teach you this, okay so first take off your underwear, then take your pointer and middle or middle and ring fingers on either hand, or all your fingers if you're adventurous and just move your fingers around whichever way feels comfortable, like rub your clit or move in and out your actual, y'know, until you climax, congratulations now you're a masturbating pro, go do your thing." She responded.

"Okay, thanks, I guess." I said nervously.

"Okay, listen to me carefully, you don't have to act on the urge immediately, maybe the next time you get turned on you do or maybe you don't at all, there's no guidebook telling you that at some point in time you're gonna have to masturbate or even have sex." Ali definitely knew how to make me feel better about this whole situation.

"Thanks, I think I'm calm now, sorry for waking you up." I said.

"No problem, and before you think of calling me again, remember Raven from Teen Titans and how she was always in one mode of I'm really fucking pissed so I'm gonna be a sarcastic bitch to everything, goodnight." Ali hung up and then I just kept looking at videos until I thought I had enough info of myself to say that my sexuality is pansexual and went to sleep as well.