CC7

CC7 - Part 20

My head was spinning and I went back and forth with how to answer. But after deflecting so many questions this far, I reached a point where I couldn’t hold back the truth anymore.

“I’m scared”, I admitted honestly, even though I was yet again not answering her question.

“Of what?” Camila asked softly and interlaced our fingers like she had done hours ago, when we had talked about my family issues.

“You”, I whispered and looked to my side, finding the brown orbs widen, but meeting mine in confusion. “I’m scared of how much power you hold over me already. No one has the ability to hurt me as much as you do”, I breathed sincerely and noticed her facial expressions turning anxious. “But there is also no one who has the ability to make me as happy as you do. Most of all, I’m scared of what would happen if we try this and it won’t work. Then I would lose you completely.”

“You’ll lose me completely by not giving us a real chance”, she remarked and made a good point. “We can’t keep doing this, Lauren. Either we give this a shot, or we move on for good. We keep going in circles and have basically landed where we were four years ago. This time we can change the outcome and not let it end after being ‘casual’. Obviously, you have to be willing to do that though.”

I let her words sink in and they sounded so reasonable. They also confirmed what I had thought earlier. This would be a pivotal moment for us; maybe the most pivotal yet. I took a deep breath and felt calmer than before. My anger had vanished, so I was able to be more rational and collected.

“I lied”, said quietly and locked eyes with the hazelnut ones again. “I didn’t sleep with someone else.”

“But…” Camila stammered in clear astonishment. “Why would you lie about that?”

“I don’t know”, I sighed frustrated and threw my head back for a moment. “Maybe…I thought, then you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, and therefore I wouldn’t have to make the choice.”

“It would fit the theme of you being so evasive today”, the younger one spoke on my tendency to avoid almost every important question she had asked. She chewed on her bottom lip, and I knew she was still waiting for me to finally give an answer that would decide our fate. Having that power was not as appealing as I thought it would be. After she had told me to leave Paris the first time around, I would have given everything to have chance like that. Those memories of being inconsolably heartbroken were still fresh in my mind. The wounds were not healed fully, but there was no denying to that one simple truth that I couldn’t speak.

Inhaling very deeply, I freed my mind from all the piled up baggage and focused on the present moment. Looking at her again, my heart was beating out of my chest but I wanted to be honest so badly. The fear was holding me back but I felt the resistance crumbling. We simply held the other one’s gaze for a few more seconds before I found the courage to tell the truth:

“I love you”, I said firmer than I expected. My voice wasn’t shaky or insecure, but decisive and clear. It reinforced the sincerity behind those three simple words even to me. It felt right saying them and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

“Really?” Camila’s voice on the other hand trembled and was thick with emotion.

“Yes, really”, I confirmed with a subtle smile and exhaled loudly. “Of course, I do. You were right earlier. I never treated you like any of the other girls I hooked up. I couldn’t…because a part of me never stopped loving you, although I wished it had sometimes.”

“I won’t hurt you again, I promise”, she pressed and squeezed my hand.

“Don’t say that”, I shook my head but remained calm. “You never know what’s going to happen, but that’s the risk we would have to take.”