Craving for you (Showki)

3. A change

Afterwards, the day passed by smoothly. It was rather peaceful and the meeting with his new friends made Kihyun's heart flutter at the thought of it. Kihyun felt that even for a little, he's starting to understand what is happiness- something which had seemed so abstract and mysterious.

As Kihyun walks home, he mumbled to himself softly, "Happiness". The word "tasted" weird on his mouth and it has a foreign and complex feeling to Kihyun. However, it felt pleasant. It felt weird too but Kihyun didn't mind. For the first time in forever, Kihyun wasn't thinking about suicidal thoughts on his way home. Rather, he was indulging in this new feeling, something so sweet yet it has this little taste of bitterness and melancholy. Furthermore, for the first time, Kihyun slept a little better that night, no nightmares and no cutting. It had been quite some time since Kihyun wasn't dreading for a 'tomorrow'.

The next morning, Kihyun woke up as per usual by his mom's screeching voice. The only difference was that Kihyun felt kinda refreshed today as he went to his closet to find some clothes. He grab a grey long-sleeve sweater and a skinny jeans which both looked identical to the outfit he wore yesterday. That was expected though as Kihyun didn't really care about his fashion. Instead, he always thought his dull outfits fit his grey life really well. It's such a mystery to Kihyun, it just takes that one single moment and something seemed to have changed. Yesterday seemed to just have been a very good dream.

However, as Kihyun looked into the mirror, he was reminded of how much he still hates the way he looked. Although Kihyun wasn't felling like a total shit this morning, he still felt a little empty without his daily routine of cutting his wrists or thighs(or both) either the night before or before he goes to school. It is a daily thing to remind himself of what a worthless and ugly person he is. But Kihyun tried to dismissed that feeling and faked his usual smile as he went down for breakfast, forcing himself to eat the food before heading out for school.

When Kihyun was about to reach school, he heard his name being called.

"Kihyun!!!"

Shit! It's the bullies. Kihyun instantly panicked and started thinking of running away as he looked around desperately for escape routes. I mean who else will call him.

But wait... When did the bullies ever call his name? It's usually faggot, sissy, gay, weakling.... Kihyun sudenly pondered as he started listing nicknames in his head.

Then, Kihyun jerked up instantly when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Good morning Kihyunnie~"

Kihyun turned around to see a smiling Minhyuk behind him.

"Ki...Kihyunie?"

"Yeah, Kihyunnie! Isn't the nickname cute? And omo, why do you look so pale? Are you okay? You looled like you've seen a ghost of sth?"

"Yeah, I'm...f..fine..." Kihyun stammered, realising that he's actually talking to someone in the morning.

As they walked together to school, Kihyun just glanced beside to Minhyuk who started blabbering non-stop about how cute Jooheon is. Kihyun didn't mind though, he was bad at replying to conversations anyway and he likes the way Minhyuk smiles and how his eyes lit up whenever he talks about Jooheon.

So,it wasn't a dream.... Kihyun thought to himself. A small smile crept to his face.

Later on, the day passed by rather quickly. Surprisingly, the bullies hadn't bother Kihyun yet. Kihyun then joined his new friends for lunch again. As he sat down on the same table, his face reddened when he looked up and made eye contact with Shownu. He tried to calm his beating heart as Shownu(who is very dense) gave Kihyun the cutest eye smile he ever seen.This is so not good for Kihyun's heart.

As the whole gang ate together, Shownu popped a question.

"Hey Kihyun, we've been trying to create a band in this school but we realised we need one more member. I know we just met you but do you want to join us? I mean if you are interested in music?"

Kihyun stopped eating as his eyes widened upon the invitation.

"I mean... I've always seen you listening to music with your earphones on ever since middle school so I presumed you like music? Or do you not?

Silence.

"Ummm...So do you want to join us?"

"Ummm.....ummm......" Kihyun couldn't find his words.

That was very shocking to Kihyun. Kihyun didn't expect that Shownu would actually noticed that Kihyun was always with his earphones on. Kihyun really wasn't outstanding in middle school. He was just the weakling and the nerdy guys who would always get bullied.

Kihyun didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure if he wanted to join a band although he is very interested in music. Kihyun already feels so little and scared of his suicidal self, how will he have the courage to stand infront of an audience. With people giving him all kinds of looks, as if telling him straight into the face how ugly he looks and how stupid he is. And what if his friends finds his voice terible? And what if they ever discover about my scars, would they hate me? Kihyun thought.

Kihyun wanted to reject the offer but when he looked up, he didn't dared to say no as he met eyes with his friends who were giving him puppy eyes. Reluctantly, Kihyun just nod his head.

"Yeah!!!! Kihyun agreed, guys!!!" Jooheon cheers.

"Oh my gosh, we have been finding that one more guy for ages. Thanks for joining, Kihyun." Changkyun beamed at Kihyun.

Kihyun could only nod his head as fear starts lurking in his heart. Kihyun was still very doubtful of himself. All these new changes just seemed to come so suddenly. Kihyun wasn't so sure that he's ready to face hinself. To face people. To face depression. His depression.

But for that instant, Kihyun felt a little hope as he saw the smiles on his new friends.

"Thanks so much Kihyun. Welcome to our band, Monsta X."

Author's Note: Hello guys, I'm sorry for not posting alot and that this chapter is kinda boring. Please excuse me for my terrible writing skills as well. But I want to know, how's the story so far? As someone who has depression, it's very hard to put this feeling into words. But,I'll try my best to depict this emotion into the protaganist, Kihyun. Please give me some comments so i know what you guys think so that i can improve on this story. Thanks for reading