Craving for you (Showki)

2. Meeting

"Ahhh... Must I go in? I look so miserable...." Kihyun pondered infront of the classroom. After cutting and cleaning himself up again in the washroom, Kihyun finally decided to head to class. He was already late on the first day and he dreaded to go in. He expected all the names and dirty looks he'll get. He felt so scared.

With a deep breath, he opened the door. As expected, everyone turned to face him. He could already hear murmuring from all corners.

"Yoo Kihyun! Already late on your first day of school?! Quickly head to your seat and you better not do this again! "Mrs Lee, the homeroom teacher remarks.

With a curt nod, Kihyun walked up to an empty seat. He stared at the ground, not daring to make any eye contact with his classmates. He took the only empty seat left which was at the very back, besides the window, which was great since he didn't want to talk or even look at anyone. Kihyun sighed, it's funny how he chose to take a psychology course in college despite being so mentally unstable himself. Oh, the irony.

With that, Mrs Lee continued with her lesson, explaining the complexities of the human nature. She started explaining about the symptoms of mental illness and the key reasons behind it. Stuff like how physical pain overrides the emotional pain one feel and why there's an increasing "trend" of younger kids resorting to self harm.

But to Kihyun, each of these words hit him with a pang of guilt. It wasn't just a "trend", it is something he can't live without. It was the only thing that keeps him alive, to feel pain, to feel like a real person inside. Years of bullying made him become someone with such low self esteem and hiding it from his parent, the sudden shift of pretending to be fine to completely being suffocated in his solitary pain was very tiring. He didn't feel like breathing.

As deep thoughts lingered in his mind, Mrs Lee made an announcement.
"Now class, I know it's only your first day of school but I'm going to give you a project to do and you have to submit it by the end of the year. You guys are randomly assigned in pairs and I hope you put in effort to complete this project. That's all, class dismissed."

Kihyun sighed again. What a trouble to work with someone else. Kihyun hated working with his classmates, he could already sense the disgust when his "partner" find out who his pair is. Kihyun decided to just lay his head on the table, trying to catch some sleep since he didn't slept well yesterday. He didn't feel like going to the cafeteria, he might see the usual gang of bullies again and he felt full, despite not eating much in the morning.

Suddenly, Kihyun felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around.

"Hello, you are Kihyun right? I'm your partner I.M, but you can call me Changkyun" Changkyun raised his hand for a handshake.

Heck, Kihyun was surprised. Someone in school was actually talking to him normally, not with looks of disgust and resentment.

Kihyun hesitantly replied to his handshake, averting any kind of eye contact.

"H..h..hello..." he stammered. Kihyun wasn't good with social interaction, he always felt nervous and anxious talking to someone other than his parents.

"Would you like to join me for lunch with my group of friends? I've always seen you alone and we could also start discussing on the project."

Kihyun wanted to reject him since he's not fond of strangers but he didn't want to sound bad, especially since this Changkyun guy was actually very nice. He probably pitied him.

"O..okay....."

When they stepped into the cafeteria, there were already many people queuing up for food.

It feels so suffocating.... why did I say okay.... Kihyun regretted.

Regardless, Kihyun went with Changkyun to grab some food and head to a table, with Kihyun kept staring at the ground, still trying to avert any kind of eye contact with anyone. He was already trembling a little, the noise was overwhelming and the presence of so many people around him felt so daunting. Kihyun wanted to leave the cafeteria but he didn't dared to say anything. Changkyun didn't seem to notice though, as he dragged Kihyun to his usual group of friends.

"Hey guys, I made a new friend in class today, his name is Kihyun"

Kihyun looked up and his heart literally stopped at once. He took a glance and saw a seemingly familiar face. A face he was so used to staring at all day. Something which made his life a bit better, a bit more beautiful. Shownu. He felt a wrench in his heart.

Omg, I didn't expect to see Shownu. Kihyun's heart was dying inside. He was looking at Shownu directly for the first time, staring straight into his eyes.

Kihyun probably stared for too long since he started getting weird looks from the others. "I'm...K...Kihyun, nice to meet you" Kihyun snapped out of his thoughts and introduced himself so softly it was barely a whisper. They nodded and smiled back at him.

"Oh yeah and just to introduce the rest, this very tall guy here is Hyungwon, and besides him, this hot guy is Wonho who's also his boyfriend . That kinda scary looking one is Jooheon and the one clinging onto him is Minhyuk. Lastly, that muscular guy over there is Shownu", Changkyun mentioned.

"Nice to meet you too."everyone greeted Kihyun. They were very nice and welcoming.

Kihyun was shocked. They weren't judging him, and they weren't making fun of him. They weren't calling him "faggot" or "sissy", like most people in school does. Maybe, the world is not as ugly as I think.

Kihyun then shyly took the empty seat opposite of Shownu. He looked up and saw Shownu gazing at him with a warm and loving eye smile. Kihyun's could hear his pulse going faster. Shownu was looking right at him and smiling. He couldn't believe it, his crush since middle school, his hope in life, was right in front of him, looking at him with such a sweet smile that all girls would probably fall in love with at first sight. (Kihyun and Shownu were in the same middle school, but they were in different class)

"Hello, you are Yoo Kihyun right? I think we came from the same middle school but I don't think we have talked before. It's a pleasure to be your friend."he gave a handshake.

"Y..yeah , it's a pleasure too...." Stammering,Kihyun gave him a handshake back. Shownu's hand was very large in contrast with Kihyun's tiny delicate hands. Kihyun's tried to look natural but he was so fucking nervous inside.

"Hey I was just wondering but why are you wearing a sweater in summer now? Isn't it too hot to wear long sleeves and trousers?" Hyungwon suddenly pops a question.

Kihyun instantly felt a rush of guilt across his mind. There's a lump in his throat. His hands starts to feel clammy again. Cold sweat broke out. He started trembling and look down at his hands and kept fidgeting ... what if they found out about my habit.... they'll definitely be even more disgusted with someone like me....

A moment of silence pass. To be honest, Kihyun could feel emotions choking him. He didn't know what to say. Tears were welling up but he tried to hold it in. Shownu must have sensed the look on Kihyun's face. " Oh, I'm sure he just likes the sweater. But the way, Hyungwon, how was modelling class today?" Shownu tried to change the subject.

"Oh it was okay...nothing special." Hyungwon answered. With that, the conversation was soon forgotten as others start chatting and asking questions to Kihyun as Kihyun tried his best not to stutter.

Throughout lunch, the group of friends continued with their idle chatter, Hyungwon sharing about how he wish to spend more time with Wonho, Wonho just laughing throughout the whole conversation and acting like a huge baby, Jooheon and Changkyun sharing about their new rap lyrics, Minhyuk being loud and clinging onto Jooheon  and Shownu just listening to everyone's conversation attentively.

Throughout lunch, it had been a bit hectic with his new groups of goofy friends. But Kihyun felt warm inside. They weren't judging him and calling him names. For the first time, Kihyun didn't felt so bad despite what happen in the morning, and perhaps, just maybe, he might have understood a little what happiness is. Something which he thought he would never ever attained for the rest of his life. Not with the inner demons that were always killing him. Not with years of dark thoughts on committing suicide. Not with all the ugly red scars spread throughout his body.

It was a good meeting. Shownu is his happiness, at least that was what Kihyun thought that day.