Craving for you (Showki)

6. Insecure

Note: Since I did a flashback for Shownu,I should do sth like that for Kihyun so this is kinda a background story of KH

Growing up, Kihyun always had a few insecurities but they weren't so bad. He was born in an average family of four, consisting of his parents, his older brother and himself. His parents didn't had extremely high expectations of Kihyun but they were still strict and expect at least a little above average for their son's academic performance. To add on, his older brother was a very talented guy musically. He was kinda the more loved one in the family although Mr and Mrs Yoo tried to love both their sons equally. However, Kihyun had always been observant and can easily tell that was not the case. He always felt a little envious whenever his parents and relatives seem to focus more on his brother and give him more compliments. Besides, Kihyun thought that his brother was way much better looking than him as his brother was tall and had very good body proportions, unlike Kihyun who was a little chubby when he was young. Kihyun did not want to admit it, it was not just a little envy, he was jealous of his brother, especially on how sociable he was, how popular he was and how well he sang. Kihyun could still remember the jubilant expressions on his parents' face when his older brother announced that he received a music scholarship in Japan. Nonetheless, Kihyun still tried to play his role of being the lively kid of the family, always smiling brightly and never complaining although he was often hurt when he was compared to his older brother.

When Kihyun entered middle school, he realised he was gay. He just happened to see Shownu a few times and thought that he was very good looking. His feelings then escalated and it soon turned into a little crush, then developing into love. Though both of them never exchanged words, Kihyun simply love everything he saw in Shownu. He fell in love with the older's smile and with his personality. Shownu was completely different from him, he had good leadership skills which attracted everyone and was talented in both sports and dance. Kihyun admired him from afar for not just his talents but also how he seem to get along well with everyone anywhere he go. Many girls often confessed to Shownu and the guys in his school were always in awe of Shownu's well defined and muscular figure. It was because Shownu was so different from Kihyun that Kihyun could not help being attracted to the older guy. On the other hand, Kihyun was just pretty average. He didn't talk much, his grades were normal and he had a very small group of friends. He still acted confident and sassy with his friends and they were kinda close. Kihyun didn't see the need to stand out a lot and rather enjoy being alone as long as he has a few close friends. Sometimes, Kihyun convinced himself that he loves solitude, but to be honest, Kihyun was actually the type who dreamt of cuddling together with the one he loves and he quite like affection and skinship though he never tried to express it. He still kept some distance away from his friends and family, never mentioning the little insecurities he had.

However, Kihyun's average life was suddenly broken, shattered into tiny million pieces. It just happened to be a slip of the tongue when Kihyun confessed to his friends that he had a crush with a guy in this school. Rumors were then spread anomalously but it was obvious who did it. Hmm, some "friends" they were. The insults never stop and Kihyun was ostracized by everyone in his class. It hurts a lot, the mean words and nicknames were so painful.

Slut, Faggot ,Sissy, Pathetic...Kihyun heard these words so much that he started to believe them. That was when the demon, the voice,the thoughts started haunting him.

"You are so fat and ugly, just go and die"

"Everyone hates you, no one wants to be with you, you are just a waste of space"

"Do you ever think someone like Shownu would ever look at you? "

"You are so stupid, unlike your brother."

And Kihyun agreed with his thoughts.
"I know. I'm fat, ugly, disgusting and pathetic. I know so please stop it! I can't take this anymore! I know Shownu would never look at me! I know it'll be so much better if I wasn't born into this world. I know....so please stop this..." Kihyun pleaded as he hug his knees and cry.

No matter how many nights he cried, there was no change. Apparently, however many times he cry, it's not going to reach anyone. He indulged in self-harm and kept crying to himself every single night till he tired himself out and fell asleep. But he was still haunted by his nightmares and woke up at 3am in the morning, then going back to breaking down and cutting again. It had become a routine and an addiction that he could not stop.

However, that was not the most painful part. What hurts the most was that he had to pretend everything was fine when he greets his parents everyday in the morning while hiding about his insecurities and his sexual orientation. He could not bear to see their looks of disappointment if he ever confessed that he was gay. He was most tired of straining a smile whenever someone mocks him, pretending that it was okay although it hurts so much. He could try to put up with the physical abuse from his bullies, but he can't bear to look at Shownu. How disgusted Shownu would feel if he looks at him and see his scars. How much he would hate him. But that still didn't stop the love he had for the older guy. Though, it aches, Kihyun can't stop the rapid beating of his heart rate when he sees Shownu and neither can he ignore the pang in his heart when he sees Shownu together with another girl. He loves him and falling in love with someone when you are so insecure and depressed was one of the worst thing. He yearns for Shownu admist this hopelessness. Kihyun felt so hopeless and could no longer see his future as if it was shrouded by a dark fog. The only thing he can see was his impending death - how he was going to end his own life himself in the most brutal way to completely stop the pain.

So that was when Kihyun outer appearance had a 360 degree turn. He hated how chubby his cheeks look, how flabby his arms were and how fat his thighs look. He had lost all appetite for food and immediately shed a lot of pounds. Now, he despise his frail arms and petite figure. Still, he sometimes tried to gag himself by sticking his finger down his throat to vomit out the food he had eaten in fear of gaining all his weight back. Food at this point tasted so disgusting to him. He only force himself to eat when he have to consume breakfast together with his parents in the morning. He mostly skip dinner as his parents usually come back home late at night so they wouldn't know even if Kihyun lied about already finishing eating whenever his mom asked. Kihyun is also planning to move out of his house to live independently soon, just like his brother who was now attending a music college in Japan. Kihyun did not want to be a burden to be his parents and had already been working part time jobs for quite some time now. It was just a matter of time before he moved out. Kihyun's outfits were also now replaced with mostly long sleeved shirts and long jeans. He always cover up his arms and legs even if it was way too hot.

If there was something that Kihyun felt was worth living for, it would be music and his love for Shownu. Music was very comforting and Kihyun especially like ballads. He love sad songs and had been learning to sing by taking vocal lessons from his older brother when he was younger. However, he stop singing when he started to have very little confidence himself. He hate his voice, hate his looks, hate his personality, basically everything about himself. Although his love for Shownu was part of his suffering, Shownu's smile was worth living for. Whenever he sees Shownu happily smiling, even his trashy days feel like something special.

"Again today, the world continues to be so cold and cruel, but even so, once I see your  face, I can't tell anymore"

With that, Kihyun was so happy when he could actually converse a little with Shownu though he was mostly stuttering. He never thought that such a day would ever come. His heart flutters just by remembering Shownu's gentle voice and the warm smile he gave Kihyun the other day. It made him so so happy that he thought everything seem to be fine now.

Sadly, that's not how it works. It's not long before little things can just easily trigger his thoughts again, dragging him back down into a pool of hopelessness. You see, the  world is not a kind place.