Craving for you (Showki)

7. Voice

Today was the first day of their band activity as 7 members. Although it's called a band, the group mostly focus on incorporating vocal or dance performances or both actually. The club itself is just a mean for people who has an interest in music to come together and compose songs. The club just aims to perform on special occasions in school, nothing too major like an outside competition or anything like that. Club time was just a time for bonding and for them to enjoy doing the things they like-music.

So, at the moment, there was no special ocassion in school but the group decided that they could plan one first. Since it was Kihyun's first day, he was feeling super anxious.

Stepping infront of the club room, Kihyun was already having a slight panick attack.

"This is such a bad idea. I should have said no. I should really walk away now before it's too late. Maybe I can-"

Before Kihyun could finished deliberating on whether to enter the room before it's too late to back out, he felt a tap behind him. It was Changkyun.

"Hey Kihyun hyung, you're here. I'm so glad you came! Let's go in."

Of course, Kihyun being Kihyun, he couldn't say no. He just gave a slight nod and followed Changkyun. Entering the room is difficult. He can see many kinds of musical instruments around and that reminded Kihyun of his younger days. How he would always run up to his older brother, begging him to give him vocal lessons and teach him to play the guitar and piano. Those were  happy memories, where Kihyun was truly a more bubbly and confident little kid. It's really weird how different he is now, how his confidence just went tumbling down as he grows up. Kihyun felt really uncomfortable and foreign, feeling a lump in his throat. He knows he have to sing later but he wasn't sure if he can. His voice feels...stuck, like no sound was going to come up. It feels hoarse  and dry and it hurts.

"So Kihyunie, since it's your first day here, could you just sing a little? Just so we can hear what's your voice like before we start to compose a new song, " Wonho mentioned, already giving a new nickname for the younger boy. Then turnimg away to set up the station for recording.

Kihyun knows he has to face it. But for now, it still seems like he can't. He was so scared. For some, it might just seem like something very simple. But it was difficult for Kihyun, he feared so badly of being judged at. Of being a disappointment like he always is. That he'll never be good enough no matter what he do. It was just very uncomfortable. What if they don't like my voice....what if my voice crack....what if they wouldn't want me anymore.....

Panic was clawing at him. Kihyun started hyperventing a little. His chest heaved up and down heavily while his breathing was getting short and ragged. Kihyun clenched his fists so tightly till his knuckles turn white as he shuts his eyes, trying desperately to calm himself before making a scene. Frantically, he did what he always do. He discreetly started scratching his scars underneath his sleeves, feeling the pain of his wounds reopening and maybe even felt some blood oozing out. Pain was a relief, bringing him back to his senses. Luckily everyone else were preparing the musical instruments out and the mic, not noticing what Kihyun was doing. Except for Shownu  though. Shownu almost didn't see it. Almost.

It was really concerning. Seeing the younger's expression immediately turned pale and started breathing heavily. He saw the younger desperately scratching his wrists for some reason and somehow, he might have seen some red stains on the younger's fingertips. Wanting to try help comfort Kihyun, Shownu approached him.

"Hey Kihyun-ah, don't be too pressured to  sing well. Just sing like how you would usually do. I wasn't exactly good when I started singing but everyone in the band is really nice and helpful. Just be yourself"