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A full week went by before she could pluck up the courage to actually reach out to Zack. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She had no idea how to verbalize everything he needed to know. She'd never really talked about any of it out loud and she desperately wished she could have Matt talk to him, but she knew that wouldn't cut it.
Finally, she dialed his number. It was a day off where they weren't playing a show and she was a little surprised when he answered after just a couple rings.
"Hey," he answered, his voice taking on the tone she'd become used to hearing from him. It was quiet and hesitant, like he was unsure whether or not he should actually be talking to her.
"Can we talk?" she asked, and he was quiet for a long time.
"Yeah. Where is your bus parked?" he asked eventually, and she told him. He told her he'd be there in a few minutes and they hung up. Her heart thumped in her chest and anxiety rose in her immediately. She texted Matt, who encouraged her and reassured her she'd be fine.
In seemingly no time at all, he was there. She unlocked the door and let him on the bus, sitting down slowly on one of the bench seats in the front lounge area.
"Where is everyone?" he asked, looking around the empty bus. She shrugged.
"Exploring," she said simply and he nodded. She hated this awkwardness that hung between them. There was a time when she could speak to him with more ease than anyone else in the world, and it broke her heart that as they sat there trying to figure out what to say to each other, it was like they were strangers.
"What's up?" he asked her eventually, after the silence between them had gotten too thick to handle. She looked up at him, longing to reach out and touch the stubble on his cheek or run her fingers through his shaggy hair. She didn't do either of those things, of course, and shrugged instead and took a deep breath.
"There's so many things you don't know," she whispered, scouring her brain for the correct combination of words. He scoffed humorlessly, throwing his hands up in the air with much more frustration than she would've expected him to have so early in the conversation.
"No shit there's things I don't know. For starters, I've got no fucking idea why you left the apartment we'd shared for years in the middle of the night and never came back and wouldn't return any calls. I've got no fucking clue why you broke my goddamn heart like it was nothing and then didn't even have the decency to tell me why. I've got no idea why Matt seems to know all of the answers but never let me in on them. There's a lot of things I don't know, and I think it's really fucking shitty that now suddenly you're back and you seem to expect to fit right back in," he ranted, angrier than she'd ever seen him. He was absolutely vibrating with the weight of it and years ago seeing him that way probably would've startled her. But as she sat there letting his words sink it, it made perfect sense. He had every right to be just as angry as he was.
"I was broken-," she started, but he cut her off.
"Bullshit! We all were! You don't get to act like you're the only one his death affected, Lauren! You're not fucking special. It knocked all of us on our asses, and none of us knew how to deal with it!"
"I know! I know, okay? I know I'm not fucking special. I'm not trying to act for a second like I am. I just don't know how to explain myself to you, okay? I've spent every fucking day for the past nine years trying to figure out what the hell I'd say if I ever saw you again and I never landed on anything. I never figured it out, because leaving you like that is the most cowardly thing I've ever done. Running away like I did was the last fucking thing I should've done, and I know it's not what Jimmy would've wanted, but I was scared. I was scared of my own goddamn mind, and I didn't know how to tell you that," she told him, sobs ripping through her violently. His eyes flashed with more rage and he was silent for a few moments, seemingly trying to compose himself.
"I don't think us talking was a good idea. I'm not sure we have anything real to say to each other because we sure as hell aren't getting anywhere here when you're being so fucking cryptic and anything I say seems to fly right out the window," he said finally, his tone clipped and strained like he was trying hard not to yell. She shook her head firmly.
"No, we have to talk..." she trailed off, knowing it was true, but still not really sure how to land on the right things to say. His eyes flashed at her again, and they looked so foreign to her. Those eyes that had once looked at her with such love and admiration only held rage and distrust and hurt for her now.
"I'm going to go, Lauren. It was stupid of us to think we could get somewhere with this," he said, standing and turning towards the door.
"I tried to kill myself!" she blurted suddenly, surprising even herself. Her voice was panicked and choked with sobs and he turned back to her on his heel, his eyes completely different than they had been a moment before. They filled with tears, one of which slipped down his cheek.
"I tried to kill myself," she repeated, feeling a full-on panic attack coming on. Her breathing hitched and started coming out even more raggedly and Zack was there in a second, grabbing onto her and pulling her close. He held her like his life depended on it and she clutched him right back, crying into his chest.
