Healing Us

Chapter 1

There she was. Lena was sitting there on the bed in their room, alone. How did this happen? Why did they always fight when they were away together? Could it be true, were they not capable of being alone together? However, this felt different. Lately, Stef had been more distant. It felt like she was building up a wall again, a wall Lena slowly had broken down over the years, a wall that was up when they met and started dating, but had a tiny space for Lena. And that was enough, enough for her to bring that wall down and for their love to grow.

At this retreat they were at, Stef and Lena had gone through the motions and participated in every activity, but to Lena it didn't feel like they truly connected. Although it felt extremely heteronormative that Stef was the husband and Lena was the wife, Lena had done her assignment and had written the letter she was supposed to. Actually, she had written two letters. An X-rated one as the assignment said, and a more romantic one. Lena had put on a sexy negligée for her wife and waited for Stef to come out of the bathroom. Then they started arguing and here she was, on their bed in a bathrobe with a glass of champagne, lost in her thoughts.

Lena was startled when she heard the door open and saw Stef come in. Stef looked scared and nervous, and Lena wanted to comfort her, but she was also angry. She was mad at Stef for not communicating with her about how she felt and how Lena could help. After all these years, how could that still be an issue?

Lena sighed and took a sip from her champagne, preparing herself for their talk, knowing they both weren't looking forward to it, and hoping that it wouldn't end in another fight or one of them walking away.

Unbeknownst to Lena, in the half an hour Stef had been gone, Stef had been through an array of emotions. The talk with her father felt so real and she felt that the pieces were finally getting into place again, she almost felt free. Almost, because the only thing to do was to talk to her wife and hope she would understand and still accept her. She felt like tonight, she might finally be healed. It already felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

Stef sat down on the bed next to Lena and she knew Lena was annoyed and upset with her behavior. She needed to apologize and explain herself. She needed to be the first one to speak and tell Lena everything that had been bothering her. She had come this far now, and needed to just do it. Her hands were slightly trembling and she nervously put her hands in her lap. She took a deep breath and started "when Tess moved in next door, uhm... It brought up this shame that I carry around in me, that keeps me from being completely vulnerable with you." Lena's eyes softened and she reached forward, holding Stef's hands, listening intently, having not expected this, something so deep and so raw of emotions.

As Stef continued, both their eyes filled with tears "that sometimes, when we make love", Stef looked at Lena, swallowing, knowing she was waiting for Stef to continue. "Makes me feel like what we're doing is not right. Like... Like I am not right."

Stef waited, looking for any sign of Lena of disgust or confusion. She didn't see any, she just saw sadness. "I love you and I am so proud of our family. And yet, you know, I carry around this fear that it could be taken away from us. Our right to love each other because we're not normal." Stef said that last word with an awkward laugh, because it felt ridiculous to say it out loud. But, that's how she felt inside, and it had to be said so Lena could know.

"But, you know, I just power on through and act like I'm stronger than I know I am because I'm afraid to hurt you or scare you. I'm afraid you'll reject me because I'm not enough." Stef confessed, her heart pounding, not even knowing how she felt with all of these emotions coursing through her body.