In A Starship's Wake

Chapter 31: Troubled Reflections

There wasn't any discernable movement in the bright glow of the universe ahead of a ship traveling over the speed of light. It didn't pulse or shift, only sat there, steady and constant. If the windshield didn't darken to filter it out, the intensity would be blinding.

Despite that, Joseph found himself standing between the stations in the cockpit, leaning on a railing as he sipped coffee and contemplated that bright void. Ever since his first FTL flight, Joseph found that glow oddly comforting. It was a little reminder from God that no matter how empty space seemed there was plenty in it, emitting or reflecting light.

It was early, and he should not have been awake yet. Tyrone was still sound asleep, and would be for at least a couple more hours. Joseph had not been sleeping well in the week since the battle with the pirates, waking frequently. Today he woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so the logical course of action was to get up and start in on the coffee.

Garden Variety Animal had been involved in two battles in two weeks. That was a circumstance all but unheard of for a freighter, but that wasn't what was bothering him. Observations about himself those events had brought to him were what he was chewing on, alone in the cockpit in the hours that on a planet would be predawn darkness.

During both battles the possibility of his own death had crossed his mind, only to be rather casually dismissed. It had been Allison, Tyrone and the crew of the Comet about whom he was concerned. Guilt was what he felt most strongly about both instances, mainly for dragging Tyrone into danger.

True, that applied more to the situation on Temorran than the battle with the pirates. Neither of them was more or less responsible for the latter, but he knew he could have made better decisions. If the last fighter hadn't run out of ammunition when it did, their ship would have been badly torn up or even destroyed as a result of Joseph's bad call. There'd been no good reason to stop Tyrone from dropping to the surface of the dwarf planet where there was cover.

Danger was inherent in life, and certainly in the business of operating a star freighter. Dying in some accident was always a possibility, but Joseph had realized he was making a habit of getting them into trouble. Temorran wasn't the first example of that, just the most severe. Behavior like that didn't only affect his own future, but Tyrone and his family's as well. If he made a decision that hurt him, that was one thing, but he'd never forgive himself for one that hurt them.

It was just as well that they would be separating soon, really. Once Joseph was on a different ship, there was a limit to the damage his lack of restraint could do to Tyrone and Justine. Anyone he angered so much that they wanted to kill him would at least be chasing his ship, instead of theirs.

And yet, that wasn't going to solve the problem either. The new ship was going to be a bulk ore and metal hauler, and with it they would be serving remote asteroid mining operations. Bulk haulers were large, and the new vessel would have easily ten times the total volume of Garden Variety Animal. Operating it alone would be impossible, Joseph would have a crew of six others. The consequences of his recklessness would be even worse; the only thing changing was the people involved.

Operating without regard for their well being would be no more acceptable than when he did it to Tyrone, and would trouble his conscience no less. He already knew who several members of that crew would be, long time friends and associates of his and Tyrone's. Joseph was bound to make wrong choices from time to time, but they couldn't be irresponsible ones. His life wouldn't be the only one he endangered.

Fringe systems and the asteroid mines in them were even more dangerous territory to traverse than unaffiliated systems. If they were settled, it was only just, and their deserted state sometimes made them a haven for pirates and any other variety of criminal. Chances for him to make irresponsible decisions were only going to get more plentiful there. He absolutely had to master his impulse to intervene any time he saw a bad situation.