Depressive life

Part 10

Ziggy took a deep breath and said:       "we're not Rachel's friends any more."
And shocked, I asked: "why?" They answered: "well, we thought she was just catching attention and she didn't seem like a very good person..."
I had this HUGE happiness in me. But I tried not to show it on my face.
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AFTER SCHOOL
At home before taking a shower, I looked at myself at the mirror and stared, and thought and stared, and thought. "Why am I so ugly? Ugh... look at this huge belly... what's with my hips? Wtf? Since when are my legs so fat? Since when do I have such a plumpy face? Look at all these tires,—
Bang!
Pop!
My thoughts burst.
"Get out! Hurry!"- my mom said banging the door very hard.
"Okay!" I said.
Took one more look at my self at the mirror and then took a quick shower.
When I got out I went to "study" but actually I locked myself up at my room, grabbed the scissors and stared to cut myself. I went to the bathroom the wash the blood off and put on a sweater. And then went to "study".
Some time later, my mom entered to say that dinner was ready. And then asked me: " why are you wearing a sweater?"
And I answered with a "very obvious" look on my face and said: " because it's cold" and she looked at me with a confused look on her face and said: "ok, whatever. Remember, dinner is ready."
And then I couldn't stop thinking of why do I cut myself. After dinner I went to "study" and started writing in my book:

Why live when all you have to wake up every day to see all those imperfections in your body?
Why wake up everyday when you know all you do is suffer with your overprotective parents?
Why can't I just sleep and never wake up again?
Why wake up to see myself at the mirror and realize that I am ugly?
Why wake up and cut myself because I just want to get rid of all this, when I can just take some pills and never ever wake up again?

I had no consciousness of what I was writing. When i read this I had the necessity of dying or disappearing. And I didn't know what to do anymore.
I just tore the page out the book and ripped it into pieces all at once.

I couldn't get much sleep during  the night. I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't get my position. And I just kept thinking about my wish of disappearing. I got out of my bed in a sudden, went to the kitchen, searched fir some pills, but couldn't find anything in the medicine box. So I went to the bathroom with a pair of scissors and looked at myself for a moment. And a voice inside me said: " it's all yourself, and you know it, you know that if you wouldn't have existed this would have never happened. Your parents would be happier if you die. And no one will ever even remember you. No one will ever love you. It's your fault your so ugly, fat, and look at every body else, wearing bikini, looking like models, and you with your pajamas looking like a sack of potatoes." I took the scissors,about to bleed out all my cuts by opening wounds. But I said to myself: " I can't do this anymore..." and tried to choke  myself with my bear hands until I turned red and stayed out of breath... l took the pair of scissors to my room and kept them in my bag.
Next thing I know is that I'm laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and crying.