The Higher Define (2018)

20

Stomping towards the area where the Corrupts have gathered, I don't bother to look up.

I realise the gravity of that mistake when I bump into Cali. There is a wide smile on his face that flips the other way round when he spots me and he takes a step back, the joy that was so distinct on his features flashing away.

I don't know what to say to him. Last time I saw him, he watched me cry until the rain stopped. Though it was a few hours ago, I can still feel the memory slowly taking form in my head.

"Are you better now?" His voice is soft and he quickly slips on a mask that makes his emotions unreadable.

"Sure." I say, gesturing towards the Corrupts who are dancing madly to the music, "Do you wanna dance?"

He raises his brows but says nothing. He must know that I'm too eager to change the subject so he accepts my offer, grabbing my hand lightly as he spins me into a dance.

We don't dance the way the others do. They buzz with energy and turn and spin- they're a flood of colours in this bleak night and they convey the energy of the fire, they're bright and humming with life.

Instead, Cali takes on a dance that seems to belong to another dimension- we follow their pace but we switch the style up. I twirl and he laughs awkwardly when his arm gets tangled in the mess that is my hair. His dancing is messy and unpolished, just like mine.

But I don't mind. Anything to keep the memories of the afternoon off my mind.

But I'm wrong to think that. Because when the band that plays takes a break, Cali pulls me to a dark corner where no one can spot us and starts to talk. Instrusive questions that beg for personal answers.

"I just want to make sure that you're completely fine, after what happened this afternoon."

There's a bitter taste on my tongue as I draw my fingers inwards, clenching my hands. I can't stand to look Cali in the eye.

"I'm fine." The words force themselves through my mouth and it sounds as if I'm choking. But maybe it's because I am- I'm struggling to answer with the emotions that storm within me.

Corrupt or not Corrupt. Define or Corrupt.

"You don't sound like it."

I give up. I respond with a bitter laugh and sink onto the ground, throwing my hands up in defeat, "Fine. You want the honest answer? I'm not okay."

Cali settles down beside me, a thin line forming between his brows. He doesn't say anything, though, so I start.

"I'm just so confused about everything. I don't know how to begin, where to even start-" My hands streak across my cheeks as I try to hide my face, desperate for an escape or for the sentence to be structured without my help but I can't find a way that will put my thoughts into words that anyone can seem to understand.

The world is spinning, it's falling apart. My life- something that I thought was amazing, that I was blessed for having, was turning into a nightmare.

"Hey," Cali says, his fingers drawing towards my arm slowly as he pulls my hands away from my face, "Breathe. Just breathe."

His words sound like stupid advice but I force myself to choke back the sobs and slowly feel the air enter my lungs and leave my body. The dark thoughts that echo through my mind feel hollow.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" Cali suggests after I have calmed down.

I feel myself nodding though there's not a reason in my mind that supports the evidence as to why I should trust him. Maybe I just need this. Anyway, I can always hack into his database and erase the memory of this night if I leak something by accident.

"It just feels like I've lost my identity. I don't know who or what I am, anymore. I don't know what my position in this world is, now that I've been through the Hub and this- this place." I try not to shudder but it's inevitable.

"Why does it feel like that?" Cali sounds calm but I sense a hint of curosity that grows thick beneath his words.

I can't help it. All my thoughts slip through the grasp that I thought I had on them and every emotion, every feeling that I had in the past few days comes spilling out.

"Because girls aren't supposed to kiss girls. And if you don't follow that rule, you aren't Define. Because all of us should have been dead once that rain fell on us. Our codes should have fried and we should all be recycled right now but we're alive."

I stop to take a breath and Cali looks at me in a way that makes me feel dizzy. Because I can't read the look on his face, I can't tell if he is stunned by all this information or if he understands what I'm saying.

I go on.

"I shouldn't be here. I should be back at the Hub, kissing Hayley. I should be still having thoughts about being the perfect, golden girl. I shouldn't be wondering if I'm not a Define."

The tears return. They slowly tease me before slipping down my cheeks. I can still hear the cheers from the crowd as the band begins to play the music again. See the way the movement stirs and gains speed as more people dance on.

"You have a lot to think through." Cali finally deduces and I try to stifle the sarcastic laugh but can't help it.

"Seriously? That's all you have to say after I poured my heart out to you?"

Silence.

"No. That's not all I have to say." He forces me to meet his gaze as his hands find purchase along my fingers. His long, nimble fingers slowly wrap around my hand as he speaks.

"I think you're crazy. The first day I met you, you had that determination that I have always admired. And you were so, so full of yourself. I thought you might actually suffocate from overconfidence."

"Is this your way of providing solace? Because it sucks." My voice trembles but he grasps my hand tighter and ignores my comment, "I would have never imagined that you were so capable of growth or development. But right now, seeing you in this situation, I don't think that you should be scared about everything that has happened."

My breath hitches in my throat. The tears drip onto my skin. I want to swipe them against my short but Cali is still holding onto my hand and it doesn't seem like he'll let go.

"You say that you aren't sure od who you are but it doesn't matter. You're afraid that you aren't what everyone said you were or thought you were. But if you think about it," His face is inches away from mine now and I can see the datk irises of his eyes, "None of that matters. What matters is that you were brave enough to go through the things that went down earlier. You'll be brave enough to find your place."

"Who cares if no one else likes what you end up being?"

I want to understand Cali's words. He speaks them with such passion and I can see the fire that rages in his eyes, the way he looks at me with such hope that I understand them but my mind draws a blank.

Because he doesn't understand. He won't understand anything that I have been through.

The journey to here. The kiss. The lying and the killing and the secrets.

And I'll never know what he means.

I make myself nod but I think that he sees through the action when the tears continue to leak from my eyes.

I tell myself that it doesn't matter. Because the main goal that I still need to accomplish, the endgame, is finishing the mission I have been assigned to.

My identity crisis has no place here.

"Thank you," My chest feels numb but it's strong enough to produce the words, "For everything."

Even if I don't understand any of it.

"You're welcome."

He tugs his arms back and they fall against his sides. We look up at the night sky and fall into a silence where we drown in our own thoughts.

For a second, I wonder if I should hack into his database, capture his thoughts and emotions.

But the stars stare at me like they don't approve. So I don't.