After You

Chapter Twenty-six - Pictures of You

"Box me up and pack me away.
You don't need to see my photographs to remember what we had. I'll love you from inside the wardrobe. I'll love you in your dreams. I'll still be with you wherever you go.
Do it for yourself because you're ready to move on.
Don't do it because you're scared of losing Jude."
- Rhys

I didn't hear from Jude whilst he was away. I hadn't really expected to, but I was still a little disappointed. I couldn't help but wonder what he was up to. What did he do once the boys went to bed at night? Did he sit about reminiscing with Serena? Did they help each other apply sun cream, and if they did, did the physical contact provoke flashbacks of their previous sexual encounters? Would she be in all of their holiday photos, or would Jude want to exclude his ex from the pictures?

I didn't know the answers to any of the questions running through my head. I could only guess at them, and it wasn't healthy because my thoughts ran away with me until I was certain that the reason Jude didn't want me to meet his boys, was because I was a dirty great secret. That the reason he'd gone on holiday as soon as Serena and Conrad had broken up, was to try and reconcile with her. A make or break holiday. I began to think that I was nothing more than a stop gap. A distraction to keep him occupied whilst he was waiting for his wife to come to her senses.

But then I remembered the park; the way he'd touched me, looked at me, caressed me with just his voice. I remembered the way he'd often look at me; eyes soft and warm, lips tilted at the corners in a tentative smile. I replayed all the times he'd cajoled me into eating something. All the times he's promised me I was beautiful, photographed me and then praised my pictures. I remembered his promise that we were exclusive and nothing was going to happen with his ex-wife.

I was a fool, through and through. Jude had told me I needed to think about what I wanted; that I needed to decide if I could accept Serena and the boys being a constant feature in his life. I didn't want to, but I could. I would, if it was the only way I could have Jude. And yet, the moment he was gone, I was festering in a cloud of insecurity and jealousy; doing the precise thing he'd said he couldn't deal with. Cut it out, Meredith, I warned myself. You trust him. She's the mother of his kids. He needs to get along with her. She's always going to be around.

I determined to listen to the angel on my shoulder, consigning to history, the annoying little devil who whispered words of doubt. When Jude got back from Lake Garda, I was going to tell him that I wanted to be with him, no matter what.

And to show him - to prove that I was serious about him, even though he would never give me children or marriage - I spent one quiet Thursday afternoon boxing up the mementos of my past, ready to make room for new ones yet to come.

***

'Hey,' I said, as I opened the door to Jude.

'Hi,' he replied, smiling softly before slipping past me and into the flat.

'How was Lake Garda? Did you have a good time?' I asked, my stomach fluttering at the sight of my lover.

'It was great. The boys loved it,' Jude told me, as he toed off his boots and hung his jacket on the back of the door. 'What about you? What've you been up to?'

'Nothing much,' I shrugged. 'Work. Missing you...' Jude's eyes narrowed, looking at me in assessment.

'Missing me, huh?' he asked, with a playfulness which didn't quite feel natural. I ignored the prickle of unease his tone of voice aroused, and nodded instead.