After You

Chapter Twenty-nine - Back to Black

Author's Note

There is some racism at the end of this chapter. These are not my personal views, but it's pertinent to the story line.

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"Don't slip back to where you started.
You're hurting, but you're not broken.
You don't need a man in your life. You just need a friend."
- Rhys

I called in sick for the rest of the week. I didn't care if Ellie was still ill; I was in no state to work, because - as your mum had perhaps predicted - I'd had my heart broken twice in one year, and it was no less painful the second time around. Tabby was a rock, of course; promptly ditching Drew and dedicating herself to lifting my spirits, but it was a futile effort because they couldn't be lifted. And besides, she was meant to be leaving for Sri Lanka in little more than a fortnight.

'But I can't go,' she said, as she threw a fleece blanket over me and handed me one of her speciality hot chocolates. It didn't matter that it was a warm June evening in smoggy London. She still relied on comfort food and snuggly slippers to set the world to rights. 'There's no way I'm leaving you like this.'

'Don't be a fool,' I told her, a tad impatiently. 'It's all booked. The flights are paid for. You and Drew have sorted the time off work, and - to be frank - if you bailed on him because of me and my pathetic love life, if wouldn't be unreasonable if he dumped you.'

'D'you think he would?' Tabby asked, frowning with concern.

'It's not beyond the realms of possibility. Women have been dumped for a lot less,' I said bitterly, preferring to think that Jude had ended things because I'd turned up at his place when his sons were staying with him. It was a lie of course, but denial was my friend. I sighed, glancing at Tabby's conflicted expression, and I forced myself to be reasonable. 'Probably not,' I reassured her, 'because he loves you. You don't give up on someone at the first hurdle when you love them, do you?' Tabby nodded, sipped her hot chocolate, and then frowned.

'Is that your way of saying you've not given up on Jude?' she asked, a little doubtfully.

'God, no!' I lied. 'I'm not pathetic enough to throw myself at him again. He made his feelings perfectly clear. No, I just meant that he couldn't have felt anything akin to love for me, or he'd have tried to work with me.' I raised my brows with a weary sigh and shrugged. 'Can you believe I've got man trouble again?'

'Sorry, sweetie,' Tabby grimaced, before spooning a load of half-melted marshmallows into her mouth. 'I just wish I knew that you'll be alright when I'm gone,' she said, sighing deeply.

'I've got Luke and Rhian,' I reminded her.

'Yeah,' Tabby nodded, not looking entirely convinced. 'Just... Don't let you and Luke become some kind of sad double-act, okay?' I frowned at her concerned face.

'Okay,' I promised. 'I won't.' Tabby nodded - seemingly satisfied - and snuggled down into the sofa. She'd put Gone with the Wind on for me, because she thought Clark Gable was - to use her phrase - "Lush", but he was nothing to my Jude. He's not yours anymore though, is he? my inner voice warned. If he ever was! it added heartlessly.

And then I found out that Jude never had been mine. Not really. He might have spent his free time with me, but his heart hadn't been in it. He hadn't wanted a future with me. Not because he'd suffered a failed marriage and wanted to focus on his boys, but because he wasn't over his wife.

'I'm sorry,' Rhian said, as I sat morosely beside her, sipping fake champagne after she'd been forced to open a bottle for the middle-aged couple who'd been browsing the gallery for the past twenty minutes. 'I just thought you should know. I was stunned when Skip told me they'd got back together. He's never spoken very highly of Jude's wife, and I got the impression that Jude had finally started to see another side to her, as well.'