After You

Chapter Fifteen - Same Mistake

"So this is what unconditional love looks like. I've been a husband, but I've never felt love like this. Your home is brimming with it, even in death.
I'm intimidated. I'm jealous.
I'm out of my depth, but I'll keep treading water.
For you."
- Jude

'Jude!' I called, as I saw his figure retreating quickly down the street. 'Jude!' People gave me curious looks as I stood there yelling in the middle of the road, but I ignored my embarrassment and pulled on my coat, before running after my boyfriend. 'Jude,' I called again, when I eventually caught him up. 'Jude, wait!' He stopped and turned around to face me, his look indignant.

'What?' he bit out.

'Why did you –' I began, before he cut me off, by taking three long strides towards me, and spitting back, –

'Why didn't I just stand there and listen to your friend tell me how I was taking advantage of you? Why didn't I wait for you defend me or put him straight? Because my understanding was that you're my girlfriend, so what the f*ck was that, Meredith?'

'He's just over-protective and –'

'I know exactly what Luke is,' Jude snapped. 'It's you who doesn't understand. I'm talking about you. What was that with you?' I gaped at him in confusion; Jude's brow furrowing at the sight of my ignorance. 'Are you really so ashamed that you'll just stand back and say nothing when one of your friends accuses me of taking advantage of you? When Luke's spoiling for a fight?' My stomach felt heavy with guilt. The look of hurt on Jude's face was undeniable.

'You know what?' Jude said, his voice dropping when I didn't reply. 'I don't have time for this crap. If you're not ready to tell people about us, then you're not ready for a relationship.' He turned away, and I knew he was about to walk off for good, so I grabbed his arm to stop him.

'Please,' I begged. 'I am ready for a relationship. I just wasn't expecting to have to make an announcement to everyone so soon. I wasn't prepared for it.'

'I understand that,' Jude said, 'but if you actually cared about me, you'd have set Luke straight. You didn't.'

'I do care!' I insisted, my voice cracking.

'Perhaps, but not enough. You're not ready for this, Meredith.'

'I am.' But he shook his head.

'I'm not. I had a wife who was in love with someone else. Now I'm with you, and you're in love with a ghost.' A tear slipped from my lashes and trickled down my face. He frowned and stepped closer, brushing it away with the pad of his thumb. 'Beautiful,' he murmured to himself, his gaze unfocused. Then, in a louder voice, 'You're not the only one who feels pain, y'know? I thought I showed you that.'

'I don't understand,' I replied, sniffing.

'It makes me feel like shit,' Jude said. 'Am I taking advantage of you? Probably. You can't bear to have them know about us, Meredith. We shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't be sleeping together, and we certainly shouldn't be trying to have a proper relationship. It's not going to do either of us any good.' He brushed another tear from my cheek and offered me a sad smile.

'Maybe further down the road... If you're ready. But by then,' he said, his voice brightening, 'you'll probably be looking for marriage and babies, and that's not me, so perhaps we're just not meant to happen...' But Jude was the only thing that made me happy. He was the silver lining in my cloud, and I wasn't prepared to give him up without a fight.

'Come back to mine,' I pleaded. 'I am ready for this. I was just caught off-guard. I'll make it up to you, I promise. If anyone's got a problem with us, I'll tell them to piss off.' He looked sceptical. 'I want this. I want you.' He frowned, unconvinced. 'Please, Jude. Give me a chance. Come back to mine.'