After You

Chapter Twenty-two - Dance with my Father

"Nothing has ever hurt like this. I feel as though my whole life is falling apart and I'm alone.
I'm tired of being alone."
- Jude

I followed Jude's advice and tried to make sure that my life was full of "things". I went out on the water with the guys, I started to skip the advanced photography class, and began grabbing a drink with a few of the women from my beginner's class, instead. When we were done, Jude would come and find me, and we'd go back to his place together. Despite him telling me that he had to be flexible and make himself available to Serena, he began to spend an increasing amount of time with me. He had his weekends with the boys, still, and they came to his every Wednesday for dinner. Sometimes he'd go to their place on a Thursday or Friday night and spend the evening with them whilst Serena went out on a date with her new man, but for the most part, Jude was with me if he wasn't with his sons.

And because I was trying to get used to the idea of Tabby being on the other side of the world, I left her to her romantic evenings with Drew, catching an occasional coffee at lunchtime, instead. On weekends when Jude was with his boys, I either worked, spent time with Luke (no physical touching), or Rhian. I'd started to see more of her, having come to appreciate artsy things a bit more since meeting Jude. I'd often sit with her in the gallery and gossip whilst eyeing up the latest pieces to come in. Some of them were hideously expensive, but I could dream about buying them.

'What's this still doing here?' I asked her one Saturday, when Jude was taking his boys on a trip to Thorpe Park. I pointed to the photograph of me kneeling down to see to a bride's wedding dress; a tear rolling down my cheek as I thought of you. 'I thought the exhibition was over?'

'It is, but I love it,' Rhian shrugged. 'It's not like it's taking up wall space I desperately need.'

'But it's not for sale?' I pressed.

'No, but I like it and it's my gallery.'

'I like this one; it was my favourite out of all of them,' I said, pointing to the only other photograph of Jude's still on display in the gallery; the picture of his son crying over a broken Lego model.

'It's strange,' Rhian said, 'because I feel as though I should dislike it - the kid's crying, for God's sake - but I love the fact that at first glance, you think he's crying over a toy, but behind that - we know, anyway - he's crying for his dad.' I looked at the hunched boy's sobbing figure. How could I ever be envious of them and the time they spent with Jude? I determined there and then, that no matter what happened, I'd never let myself feel neglected or slighted by Jude putting them first. I didn't want those boys to have to cry like that ever again.

'So... you and Jude,' Rhian said, pushing a herbal tea towards me, 'you're getting serious, huh?'

'Why d'you say that?' I asked, defensively loud. Rhian smiled.

'Because you looked at that photo of his son as though he was your own. In my experience, other people's kids are shit. Unless you're in love with one of the parents, anyway.' I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure what I should say, but I did flush. 'So, do you, then?' Rhian continued. 'Love him?' I caught my bottom lip between my teeth and held it prisoner.

'Maybe,' I said, wincing slightly. 'I feel as though I very easily could, if I don't already. I think I do, but they say when you first fall in love, it's normally just infatuation, don't they?'

'Do you think it's just infatuation?' Rhian asked, softly.

'No.' She nodded.

'That's understandable. And what about Jude? Is he on the same page?' I shook my head.