After You

Chapter Seventeen - Iris

"Don't listen to him, Merry. He has no idea how I feel. When I see you with Jude, I'm... relieved."
- Rhys

'I love that you drink red wine,' Jude sighed, with a contented look upon his face.

'Why's that?' I asked, sipping at a very palatable glass of pinot noir whilst we waited for our tapas to arrive.

'Because it means we can share a bottle.'

'Serena wasn't a fan of red?'

'Prosecco,' he said. 'Or rather, anything with bubbles.'

'Ah...' I bit my bottom lip, half pleased that I trumped Serena when it came to my wine preference, but saddened, too, that she was always there in the background; someone for me to be compared to.

'Are you tired?' Jude asked, incorrectly interpreting my hesitant reply.

'I'm good,' I told him. 'But it is bliss to sit down. I don't enjoy wearing heels all day long, and I always have to walk around a lot more when we've got an actual event on.'

'I'll rub your feet for you,' Jude said, in a dry tone of voice. Neither his look, nor his voice, were consoling, and yet I knew it was a genuine offer. It was a bit of a dichotomy between caring and dismissive. He made me feel valued, without making me feel smothered.

'Did you get some good photos?' I asked, as I took a long sip of soothing wine. He nodded.

'I think there are a few really nice ones. The rest...' He pulled a face.

'Jude!' I laughed. 'You wouldn't know how to take a bad photo.'

'They're not bad,' he explained, leaning forward in his chair. I'd caught his interest. His voice was full of passion. His eyes were alight; he clearly loved his job. 'Technically, the photos are all decent, but you know wedding photography doesn't really interest me. They wanted all those grouped photographs, the clichéd poses. It's just not my thing.' He shrugged and leant back in his chair, slowly drinking his wine. I sensed an air of despondency about him, and it made me feel sad.

'Do you think you'll have to keep doing it once the divorce is finalised? Surely you won't keep paying Serena's mortgage?' I asked.

'I don't know,' he replied, with a dismissive shake of his head. 'I don't want to get into that, Meredith. Can we talk about something else?'

'Sure,' I nodded, cheeks flushing. 'Sorry. I was just thinking about your work, that's all.'

'I know,' he smiled. 'But don't. Don't worry yourself with that kind of thing.'

'But I do. It matters, doesn't it?'

'Of course it does,' Jude agreed, 'but it matters to me. Not to you.' I frowned in confusion, and he sighed, as though my slowness was frustrating. 'Look,' he said, a little curtly, 'we're doing this...' He waved one long finger between the two of us, 'and this is great, but we're separate from my boys and their mother, okay?'

'I get that,' I nodded, but I felt a bit hurt. A bit excluded, because his kids meant everything to him, and that meant he wanted to shut me out of the biggest part of his life.

'Meredith,' Jude said, his voice consoling with a hint of impatience, as he reached across the table and took my hand in his. 'Don't over complicate this. Don't overthink things. Just enjoy what we're doing, okay?'

'Enjoy the sex, you mean?' I asked, a little archly. His eyes darkened with displeasure.

'What do you want from me?' I didn't really know. I wanted him to care about me as much as I cared about him, but at the same time, I didn't want someone who was going to push for too much too quickly. I didn't even make sense to myself.