What Happens By Candlelight

Chapter Twenty-One: Early Morning Chats

I promised him for a month.

Its been a month.

I had avoided him skillfully throughout the day, hiding and escaping every time I saw him draw near. It was almost comical. Except for my knowledge that he had been looking for me throughout the day, hoping to discuss our relationship. I could not bring myself to face him.

My heart was telling me to stop hurting him, and to end it before we got any further.

My mind was telling me I had a job to do.

Rising out of my bed, I wrapped my shawl around my shoulders while lighting a candle. It was still dark out, and dusk was hours away. The cold night air greeted me as I left the comfort of my quilt, but I did little to rid myself of the punishment. I simply slipped on a robe and slippers before finding my way to the parlor.

As one would expect during the early hours of the morning, no one was there. Complete silence greeted me as I grabbed the nearest book and seated myself on the chaise. I read as best I could in the darkness, having to move the candle closer every once in a while to make out the words. Several minutes passed, and before I knew it the grand clock began to chime.

Two in the morning.

And I was still wide awake.

With an aggravated sigh, I fell back. The dramatic movement made more noise than I expected in the empty room, but I doubt anyone could hear it.

Anyone, except the man leaning in the doorway with a quirked brow. 

I held in my scream, quickly placing a hand on my mouth to stop any sounds from escaping. He wore nothing on his feet, and his nightshirt was almost completely open. He had no robe, or scarf, or anything to keep him warm from the freezing night air, yet he stood there in complete silence. 

"You've been avoiding me," he casually strolled in as I straightened myself, trying to think of a way out of this situation. 

"Gabriel, I-"

"You've been avoiding me, and the conversation we need to have," he seated himself beside me, leaving enough space between us for another person. I bit my lip, trying to look everywhere but at him.

How could I possibly tell him that I was trying to not hurt him? That I was hoping to give him freedom from the pain that was to come from being around me? That I had his best interest in mind? How could I explain anything without hinting at my war occupation? I was avoiding him to save him, not to break him.

"I-" I hesitated, suddenly despising myself more than anything else in the world. 

"I have never... my brothers left me when I was sixteen," he said nothing, but I could feel his stare. This must be the part of the story everyone knew well, but there was so much more to it. "I was left with the plantation. I had to forge their signatures. I had to handle all the business. I had to do everything, without help from anyone else."

A sigh escaped me as I leaned back, closing my eyes as I remembered the hardships of being a woman in a world of men. "Because of that, I only had one childhood friend that stayed with me. I never really had time to see her, other than twice a week for tea. Everyone else... they moved on. They got to court and marry and have children. I watched it all, every last happy moment they lived through. I couldn't do any of it unless my brothers approved. I didn't even know if they were alive-"

My voice cracked, forcing me to stop myself. I hated talking about myself. I hated being weak and letting these years old feelings affect me. I was being childish! I needed to move on with my life and begin anew, but I always found myself back on square one.

"Eventually, my only friend began to court, and get engaged. She's married now, off with her new husband somewhere else, while I'm here sharing my deepest darkest secret with you," I finally opened my eyes to face him. "I have not been cared for by another in years, so I apologize if I become uncomfortable, or if I do things wrong, or if I don't know what I'm doing. I just... I lack the ability and knowledge to be 'loving' or 'affectionate' at times, and when I don't know how to approach someone I hide."

Or when I'm trying to help them by staying away.

The exhaustion slowly began to hit me. While it would be another hour before I can actually sleep, I could feel it creeping through my being. There were several moments of silence. Gabriel said nothing. I couldn't tell if he was angry, or if he was thinking. He has always been such a big mystery to me!  

"I find your honesty flattering, but it doesn't answer my question," his cold hands encompassed my own, and before I could even register what was happening, I grasped his fingers firmly in my own. "I will not force you to continue courting, but I wish to see this through. I may not be the man you chose in the end, but if I can guide your life in the right direction, then that would be gratification enough."

He was so sweet. There was a girl out there who deserved him. Me, I deserved the fires of hell. 

"I would very much like to see this through if you find me satisfactory," my voice was so small. I could hardly hear myself, so I have no idea how he made out my words so clearly.

"Beyond so, my dear," his forehead came and rested on my own. The warm air he exhaled fanned across my face, making me forget my worries for just a moment. "You are absolutely angelic, divine, the embodiment of beauty-"

A chuckle escaped me at his exaggerations, and the smile on his face became more prevalent upon hearing the sound. A moment of contentedness fell over us as we sat on the chaise with no room between us. If someone saw us, we'd be in trouble for sure, but the thought never really crossed my mind.

"We should get you to bed, dear," a sigh escaped me when the moment was over. I wanted just a few seconds more, but reality often came calling before we wanted it to. "Before you fall asleep here and leave me to carry you back."

I stood slowly, taking my time to keep my appearance straight and composed. "I suppose I should wish you good night Lieutenant Colonel,"  he stood a moment later, standing a few inches taller than myself. 

I thought over what to do, fighting over saying the words and walking out, or-

Oh, to hell with it all!

Reaching forward, I rested each of my hands on his shoulder before kissing him, short and chaste. The surprise of my actions gave me enough time to slip away, leaving him in the parlor with a stunned face as the clock began to chime three times.