What Happens By Candlelight

Chapter Thirty: Proposal

"Who has been lying to you?" Gabriel was suddenly worried. His entire demeanor changed at the simple thought of others causing me harm.

Here I was yelling at him, and all he was worried about was me.

When I didn't respond, he sighed. I could hardly make out him rubbing his forehead, but I knew instantly that he was tired. I don't even know how long he stayed up working on paperwork most nights.  

"I hate seeing you so upset by something as trivial as my family," Gabriel finally spoke once more, seeing as I was now completely silent. "Besides, I had planned to stay here after the war."

What? But if his older brother dies then he's next in line. Is he actually giving up on all of his rights as the second in line? Why would he do that? Doesn't he have a life waiting for him in England?

"Christina," gently, he grabbed my arms, forcing me to look at him. "We'll be moving north soon and I- you can't come. Only the main troops and their wives have been given permission to travel. You'll have to stay here."

His words made my heart sink. I would have to live away from my brothers once more, constantly worrying about their safety. What if someone else found out they were spies? I'd have no way of protecting them!

"Unless," he hesitated as if he was unsure of how exactly to word everything. "I had planned to give you more time to think about it, but that evening was ruined by the fight. I want to ask you now, while there is still another day or two to think."

That evening? Was he talking about that time after a dinner party? He had asked if I was happy, and I was. What more was there to ask?

"We have been courting for a few months now, and I am sure you know my feelings for you well," I cautiously nodded, piecing his thought process together word for word. "I don't want to leave you here in South Carolina by yourself, and as I said before, I want to settle in the Americas. I'm in love with you Christina Evans, and I want to marry you."

I blinked once, twice, thrice before I finally processed what he said.

"I... I don't know what to say..." My voice could hardly be heard over my erratic heart. I lied again. I knew exactly what to say. 

"That's fine, I want you to think about it, you need to! I want what's best for you Christina, and while it may be arrogant, I feel as though I can offer you a better future than most." His hands moved down to my own. It was at that moment that I realized how much I despised myself. Courting was something easy to back out of, but engagements and marriages were nearly impossible to sever.

"I... I can't. I can't marry you, Gabriel. I'm sorry."

I pulled my hands away, trying not to focus on his dejected face. Instead, I pushed past him and out of the tent, where an audience had formed. The men whispered to one another as I came out, but none moved to let me through.

I shoved through them, pushing men aside while pushing every last feeling I had deep down into the caverns of my soul. I can already imagine the rumors I'll have to face.

Was that what the general was looking for this morning? An engagement ring? Who else knew? Surely not my brothers. Did they? Did he even bother asking for their blessing? 

Does it matter? I refused his offer, and I doubt he'll come crawling back after everything that happened. He shouldn't. Hopefully, he'll take this as the final straw. Maybe now I can live my life in peace from all the guilt I've had to harbor.

Somehow, I ended up in the garden, leaning against the entrance to the hedge maze. I could see inside one of the windows, where Ruth dropped the laundry after being told something by another woman. Word travels fast.

"Didn't see that coming." I remained perfectly still as Captain Wilson came up behind me. "I thought you'd accept the offer."

I scoffed, quietly wiping my eyes. "How could I? I am literally the worst possible person for him, and yet he still persists! He always has. No matter how often I close my walls or shut him out, he always manages to find a way in! I... I'm a coward and a fraud."

He chuckled, the most human sound I've ever heard the man make. "Sounds like love to me. You do realize what love is, right?"

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep whatever sanity I still held in my grasp. "No, I have no clue what this love you keep accusing me of is. I would just know, wouldn't I?"

Silence followed for a few moments. "Sometimes yes, you just know. But other times it needs to be pointed out. It comes in many different forms too. Sometimes it's a love so passionate that you can't keep your hands off of each other, and sometimes it's so meek that nobody knows you're together. I knew when I fell in love with my wife because she made me want to be better. I wanted to become a better person, and to give up espionage for her."

"Become... better..." I shook my head, trying to get the thought out of my head. "That isn't love! Love is- love is..."

Another laugh from behind me. "I'll leave you with that thought."

Before I could turn around, Captain Wilson was gone. In his place stood a single paper:

You have been relieved of your duties

~C.W.

I tore the letter in my hands, ripping and twisting until I couldn't do any more harm. I stared at the loose fragments that surrounded the ground around me but made no move to pick up the mess I had created. 

How dare he tell me this? He was the reason I was in a turmoil, to begin with, and there he goes making everything ten times worse! Couldn't he leave me alone with my business? Besides, it was obvious that my duties were finished. How on earth did he expect me to seduce a man who was now heartbroken because of me?

Heartbroken. I broke Gabriel.

I sunk to the ground, letting the sun soak my skin in its rays. I just needed to sit down and think. All will be well if I just think.