A sort of journal for my struggles with loss, depression and life itself. I want to help and encourage others who feel those awful feelings and offer advice as well.
In May, I lost my cousin. He was 24, about a year and a half older than me. I had the day off work, so I went to my mom's house to help her catch up on cleaning and laundry. When I got there, her car wasn't there, so I went inside. I called to see if anyone was home and my stepdad came out from the bedroom. He'd been crying. I asked where mom was, and he told me.
"She's with your aunt. Bobby killed himself last night."
At first my reaction was disbelief, but I fell to my knees on the floor and started scream-sobbing. I probably sounded like the most foolish and ridiculous person to ever cry. He told me not to tell me brother yet because he worked an hour away and we didn't want him to drive that emotional and possibly get in a wreck.
I took off in my car to go to my cousin's apartment, where my mom and aunt were, calling mom on the way. I was breaking down, I didn't know what to do. For those of you who have experienced loss, you know that feeling. That it's not real. It CAN'T be real. He was alive last week, but he's gone now. HOW.
My mom and aunt were gone when I got there. My mom went to pick up my little sister Kira at school and my aunt was heading downstate to pick up her daughter (Bobby's younger sister) from college. She took his dog Sophie with.
In my family, most of us are close to animals, have a good relationship with our pets. Pets are family to us, so my aunt thought bringing Sophie would help her daughter get through this.
I met my mom and sister back at her house. My brother Caleb still wasn't home, and everyone was reminded not to tell him until he got home. I hugged my sister for 10 minutes straight. Bobby was a big brother to all of us. Suddenly mom had several missed calls from Caleb, with one voicemail saying, "What happened? Someone texted me that they're sorry for my loss. What's going on?"
Mom rang him back so many times, no answer. We came to the realization that if someone told him, he might go to Bobby's instead of back home. We jumped in the car to get there before him. Mom remembered she could track any cellphone on her plan, so she did. He was close to home, so we turned around.
Coming down the road we saw Caleb standing with Kira in the driveway, and the second I pulled in and saw his face, saw him fall to the ground and scream, I threw my car into park and ran to him. We sat in the dirt and mud, huddled together, just crying. We didn't just lose a cousin. We lost a brother. A best friend, someone you should never have to lose.
Kira told me later that it wasn't the fact that Bobby was dead that made Caleb break down, it was the fact that he did it himself.
Someone so strong. Someone we looked up to. He lost a long term battle with depression. There's no words to describe how this feels. If you've experienced this, I'm so sorry. If you haven't, please be supportive of those around you.
I'm going to show you a picture.
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This is Bobby. He was 24, my role model growing up. He liked to sing loud without a care. He'd do anything to make you happy. I'm crying while I type this and you know what?
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to scream.
It's okay to not be okay.
Because we're human.
We're not cold hearted.
No matter what, you're allowed to FEEL.
I miss him more than anything. And it's okay to say it.
You may not know me, but I know there are people like me learning how to cope with loss, depression, just learning to live with yourself.
