Haruhi

Depression

You probably know the feeling. Loneliness, helplessness, a constant jet lag, homesick in your own body.

You feel like nobody cares, nobody wants you around. Someone could pledge their heart and soul to you and you still ponder your validity. It's hard.

You force yourself to wake up, force yourself to shower, brush your hair, put on a friendly face, all these things that seem pointless because nobody really looks at you, right? Nobody cares, right?

It's bullshit.

Every day I fight myself. I want to disappear but at the same time I want to live. I crave the adventures I won't let myself have, I crave the relationships I don't think I deserve. I fight myself every fucking day to prove to myself that I am valid. I'm real and my feelings are real.

... So I started this chapter to help with myself and others with depression, and these past 24 hours have been extremely hard for me. October 8th, my 23rd birthday started like I'd hoped, but quickly took a turn. My sister and mother were frantically calling me until I was able to call one of them back and they told me the bad news. A friend of Bobby and my brother's, someone I dated in high school and knew well as a friend, killed himself.

It really makes you wonder about your own mortality.

You ever cry before you sleep? Tears that start hot at your eyes cool to a chill as they drip back into your ears and hair. It seems that you cry all the time.

Or not at all.

Maybe you hold it all in.

You feel like they couldn't possibly understand.

Nobody would, right?

It's not true. I refuse to say things just to make someone feel better, to be so fake and conceited that I would believe my words could heal. I know damn well that they can't.

But I'm sure gonna fucking try.