(TRIGGER WARNING +MAYBE TRIGGER PICTURE+SONG?)
The past week I was in the hospital. A mental hospital. I kinda was cracking a bit in Job Corps. I wasn't doing all A's well as I hoped when I came back from the weekend. Some of my buttons we're pushed and parts of my PTSD was kicked into gear and then having a friend that didn't trust me to tell me things even tho we got to know each other for a few moths. That what actually sturred my depression because the person didn't trust me. I was thinking of cutting or getting the erg to cut. I never would again but it was crossing my mind to do so. My emotions we're sturred and it was at the end of the day and also getting back from a long weekend witch was good but yet sturred up my PTSD. I know I can joke and play when I'm comfortable with you. I would normally poke someone. I won't get to much into the weekend but I will do my best to stick up the cracks.
Over the weekend I have a friend who is like family and his family is family to me. My "other brother" was playing around with me but can at times take it to fare at times. I can be in the mood to wrestle but not that much. Also in some ways when I play I'm just playing I don't mean to hurt. But my other brother plays but at times doesn't stop when I say stop. He does respect me and I do respect him too. I remember I was in the car and I wanted to enjoy the ride but when we go to the gas station he started to play around and I didn't to. I tryed to do my best not to hurt him but I ended up pushing and kicking him with my legs. And I almost had a panic attach. I had another good friend, when he got in the car he told him to stop because he know my limits and when I feel uneased I go into a bit of insanity.
I try my best not to but sometimes I do but I put it to a really down level so it's not as notice able. When I get defenceable I can at times have a PTSD moment and he pushed me there but I tryed to hide it as much as I could. But I think it was Tuesday night when things were chrashing down. And that evening when I was coming back to Job corps I think I don't know but that evening I think that went down. During the night after my friend told me they don't trust me with personal stuff I got depressed and sadened that they didn't trust me. I got so distrot I felt like to cut. But I didnt. I'm safe and I feel good.
Also sorry at times my memory isn't that good. It's been fading here and there. After that night I was cracking a bit. But yet I was admitted to a Central Health Line? If that correct. I was there for a night and then they told me that I didn't have the right insurance so I had to be transferred to the hospital. Also my bag of stuff I came in with, they still have it. I'm steamed about that but that's a different topic.
When I got to the hospital they did the usual taking your blood thing and then signing forms but there was one I'm never signing again. All I know is that form takes away your rights as a human! From being in the hospital I was in the ER for a few days and then put into a room. I was at the hospital till Friday. I got out that evening. My parents were able to get me out.
I still have to go to my therapist and a few programs but it should be good in the progress. I do need to get better but like the social worker and my therapist said that Job corps blew it out of proportion. But yet they do have liabilities so I don't blame them. I will be able to return to them in a month so I be back in Rockland ma for a bit. Who know it could be shorted but who knows. Things just take time.
My parents are Glade to see me they missed. I haven't seen them in about a month time. At times it's hard to see them, I travel by train. I'm Glade to see them too. I do miss Job corps because it's a fast acting place. When I'm home it feels so slow. But I will get use to it again then doing the transition again witch could cause some defects but I will work it out and I will be better than ever and able to help out. I miss my firends and I hope that there won't be to much "drama" when I'm gone. I hope to see all my friends again soon but untill then time will take me on it's slow journey.
This was great and that what's all there for now. Also fun fact: I probably am bipolar.
This song is when I crack a little my full extent I don't understand it yet but it's something to never let out of it cage! Have a good day.
Till next time
