Safe. Home.

6

All through this week Lucas has been trying to talk to me and I've been avoiding him. I don't want to know what he thinks of me. I know I left some unanswered questions but all of them revolve around my dad. He knows my dad is a touchy subject for me and knows not to bring it up. His family loves each other but mine never will.

His parents work all hours of the day during the week or on business trips. He takes care of his brother and sister all on his own but now after spring break they got to bond and spend time together and now they are making to be with their children. While my dad just does what he wants and doesn't care what happens to me - especially when he's drunk.

It hard being mad at Lucas. He's my only friend and I knew it wouldn't last long. On Friday I texted him when I got home. My dad was working late so I needed some one to take my mind off of things.

Me: hey I'm sorry I ignored you this week :(

Lucas: it's ok I guess I sorry I brought up your dad

Me: well you know I don't like talking about my dad

Lucas: I know but I want to know why. You flinched when I touched you....

Me: drop it Lucas

Lucas: I can't ok I know you finally open up to me a little after 3 months but I want to know why you put your wall up to block things from coming.

Me: I put them up so I don't get hurt

Lucas: you know I won't hurt you Jess

Me: I know but it's not that simple you wouldn't understand

Lucas: help me understand I want to know more about you

Me: why before you came no one wanted to get to know me

Lucas: because I like you

Me: no one likes me

Lucas: that's not true because I like you a lot Jess

Well this is shocking I didn't know how to respond to that so I made up an excuse:

Me: I'm pretty tired so I'm gong to go to sleep good night

Lucas: night Jess

I lock my phone and place it on my bedside table. Lucas likes me. Like as a friend or as something else? Shut up Jess of he doesnt like you like that. He can't like me like that! I'm messed up too damaged on the inside and it is slowly showing on the outside. He wouldn't want me I may seem nice on the outside but on the inside I'm rotten, bruised up; what no one wants.

I like Lucas but I'm not good enough for him. When he learns about what my father does to me. he will look away in disgust and leave before we even have a chance. I mean no one wants a girl that her father beats her when he's drunk then rapes her any chance he gets. Just thinking about it makes me sad. Sad that I won't have anybody that will love me. I have too much baggage that weighs me down and I feel like I'm going to fall anytime. I close my eyes and try to sleep but all I dreamed about was about a little girl in a corner crying out for help and no one there to help her.

****

All weekend I was trying to get my mind off of Lucas but he kept on coming back into my mind. Also I been throwing up every morning when I wake up. I mean I feel ok afterward but maybe it's from not eating the way I should. I mean sometimes I skip a meal or two but it's sometimes not my fault. Dad says that eating is a privilege that I must earn. I sometimes have to sneak and eat something while my dad is sleeping or out and make sure he doesn't know.

Monday came I threw up in the morning again and Lucas wasn't there I hoped he was ok I texted him to see why he wasn't here and he said he was sick. On Tuesday he was hear and he avoided me and I felt really bad because I think it's because after he told me he liked me I blew him off but I mean no one ever told me they liked me before. By Thursday I had enough and I after school cornered him on the side of he school.

"Lucas tell me wants going on? I tired of you blowing me off." I said to him. He did not meet my eyes but I stood tall and confident. "Is it because you told me you liked me"

"I understand if you don't like me back but I couldn't be around you knowing you don't like me back and but a damper on our friendship" he looks at me.

"Who said I didn't like you back" I retorted " I do like you Lucas" I whispered and looked down at my feet.

"You do?"

"Yeah" he takes his finger and pulls my chin up so I can meet his eyes. He slowly comes closer and closer until our lips are and inches apart from each other. Then they connect. It wasn't like any kiss I ever experienced. Well the kisses I get are sloppy and horrible and taste like liquor, but let's not dwell on that. Our lips move with one another as he deepened the kiss.

We kept kissing until we had to come up for air. We put our foreheads together and catches our breath.

"Wow" was all I could say and he smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back.

"I never thought I would see you smile" he said taking his thumb and rubbing my check. "I want to see more of that smile. Jess would you like to go on a date with me Saturday?"

"Yes" I say kissing him again. Eventually we had to stop and get home. On the way home I couldn't help but smile all the way. Even when dad got home but he noticed.

"Why are you smiling?" He asks as we eat dinner.

"Nothing you won't be interested in so leave it alone and let me be" I said taking a sip of water.

"I see. Anyway, going away from your slutty ways you've been throwing up all week are you sick or something?" He asks not really caring.

"No I don't know, maybe but I don't feel sick" I answered truthfully. I take my plate and his plate into the kitchen and clean up. After I cleaned up I took a shower, did some studying for exams coming up, read a little and went to sleep.

****

I woke up to my door opening but I didn't pay much attention to it. I did pay attention when my sheets were ripped from my body and some one getting on top of me. I fought back; I kicked and clawed but the person grabbed my wrist and held them back then slapped me.

"Don't kick at me you know better" he whispered into my ear. I knew instantly who it was. It was dad. I stopped kicking knowing fighting isn't going to help. He did the usual undressing me and kissing up and down my body. He griped my waist and pushed into me. I did nothing but whimper trying not to cry. I laid there and took it.

This shouldn't be what I should be going through at 16. Dads are suppose to stop guys from doing this to their daughters not them doing it themselves. He pulled out when he was satisfied and made me blow him afterwards. When I was done he collapsed on me and instantly fell asleep. The rest of the night I lay there while my dad was knocked out from his high and drunkenness. I guess this is my life and now I'm that girl in my dream; alone, scared, doubtful, and sad.

***********
I'm get sad when I read this. Don't you?

What do you think is going to happen on their date?