i have a love, hate relationship with myself.
i love and hate beating myself up about it,
about my thoughts,
my anxieties,
my mental health.
i want to open up,
but don't at the same time.
i don't want to open up to you,
i have a few times,
you're not good at dealing with my issues,
i want to push everyone away,
i want to close off my mind and shut everything out,
i was to go on autopilot again.
but i don't,
i want to,
i love it but hate it.
i'm here,
contemplating,
crying silently,
as you,
don't notice,
my uncharacteristic silence.
i wish i could be better,
i wish i could be happier.
i'm just an idiot,
i won't say anything,
i won't do anything,
i don't want to let you in so you walk out again.
i won't open up,
i'll still sit here,
silently crying,
while you don't notice,
my deafening silence.
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