His Bella

NINETEEN

"It's b-beautiful", I stammered.

The open field was just out of Ann Arbor and the grass under my feet spread to my right and left. In front of Wade and I, a freshwater lake shimmered in the sunlight. I had sat for two hours in the cab until Wade made the driver stop on a highway and led me through a thick tree path but it was worth it.

The view was worth it.

I turned to stare at Wade as he stood next to me, an excited look in his eyes and a playful grin on his lips. The sun kissed his jet-black hair, making the moisturized strands shine. His skin looked smooth and golden as well. I realized I hadn't seen him in the sun since he got back and something about this new color, perhaps the way the shade of his eyes seemed to change from green to brown when looked down at me and smiled made my heart leap.

He held out his hand and my gaze flickered between his palm and his face. He nodded briskly and I took his hand in me. We walked further down towards the lake. It was serene and quiet as we were the only one's present. I felt strangely at peace.

"How did you discover this?", I asked, staring at our reflections in the lake.

"My mom used to bring Axel and I here just for fun", he said softly, "she was really good at finding awesome spots"

"Oh"

"Sometimes a little peace and quiet helps especially when you're being constantly stressed", he said, "don't you think so?"

"I do"

We stayed silent and I could hear our deep breathing. I closed my eyes.

"My mom called", I said breaking the silence.

I opened my eyes to see Wade staring at me with his eyes wide open.

"How is she?!", his tone was enthusiastic.

I chuckled, "fine"

He grinned at the lake, "I miss your mom", he said, "I miss her cooking"

"Well, how about we go see her together?", I asked, "tomorrow?"

He nodded, "I'd love that"

I didn't know if he was still aware but our hands were still together, our fingers laced in between each other. it didn't feel odd for me. if anything, being with Wade in that moment felt really good. I only wondered if it felt as good for him as it did for me.

As though the universe was sending me a reminder, my phone rang and Wade released my hand instantly. I felt a pang in my chest but didn't have enough time to react. I took my phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen. It was Noah.

"You've been ignoring him all day", Wade said, his gaze still fixed on the horizon beyond the lake, "anything wrong?"

I wasn't surprised he knew I had been ignoring Noah. The call ended.

"No", I said softly, "how'd you know though?"

I could have sworn I saw his lips curve into a small smile.

"If I'm the problem here", he said, "tell me"

"What are you talking about

He turned to face me with a straight look on his face, "I'm just saying, if you're risking your relationship for me", he said, "don't do it Bella"

I grimaced. I wasn't risking my relationship for him or anyone. His presence had made me continuously lie to Noah and question how happy I was with him but that had very little to do with him a lot to do with how I felt.

"Can I ask a question?"

"Anything", his tone was flat and he turned back to stare at the lake.

"You said you waited ten years to come back", I said, "does that mean there was no one else during the past couple of years?"

It wasn't any of my business but I wanted to know.

"What do you mean?", Wade asked

"No girlfriends or something like that?"

He scoffed, "no girlfriends"

"But there were girls?"

"I'd be lying if I said there weren't", he said, "of course, it was never enough. If it was, I wouldn't have come back"

I nodded even though he wasn't staring at me. I needed to know what the thought of Wade with someone else would do to me and as I looked at my reflection in the lake- as selfish as it may sound...

It hurt. It hurt a lot.

***
"What did you mean when you asked me not to risk my relationship for you?", I asked when we got back to the apartment.

The drive home had been silent. Wade had tapped and scrolled mindlessly on his phone and I looked out the window, replaying our entire conversation in my head. I needed to see Noah. I felt bad for keeping him in the dark and I worried that he would come up with crazy assumptions as to why I was so withdrawn from him when I wasn't doing anything really wrong. I wasn't cheating on him. I was only aiding and hiding a criminal in my apartment. So why did I feel so guilty?

"Why are you really ignoring Noah?", Wade asked as he took off his hoodie to reveal a grey shirt underneath.

"Nothing, I'm just not in the mood to talk to anyone", I crossed my arms.

He arched an eyebrow, "not in the mood? really Bella?", he asked, "but you're in the mood to talk to me"

"You're in my apartment, I don't think I have a choice"

He sighed and walked towards me. His brown eyes seemed crystal clear for a moment, there was a glint in them as he stared at me

"You're so beautiful", he said.

I cocked my head, "and you're bipolar"

He chuckled, "you don't act like you want him"

"Well, I do", I feigned a confident tone.

"Are you sure?"

There was a look in his eyes- almost like he was begging for something but I ignored it.

"Yes"

The look disappeared and his eyes darkened.

"Good". He turned his back on me and collapsed on the couch. He took out his phone and began to tap.

"What do you mean by 'good'?", I sat next to him.

"If you, by any chance still have feelings for me which I doubt", he didn't look at me, "it would be good if your feelings for Noah were stronger because I don't deserve it"

He turned to smile at me, "okay Bella"

"I don't have feelings for you", I said, ignoring the voice in my head telling me I was lying.

He nodded, "well, that's a relief", he turned back to his phone.

I took a deep breath and stood, walking out of the living area and towards my room. When I entered, I buried my face in my hands. I didn't like how I felt like I had been lying to everyone including myself. Stacy about Wade, Noah about being so busy when I was basically jobless, Wade about having feelings for him and myself. I had lied to myself and mistaken how safe and comfortable I felt in my relationship with Noah for love- because I knew for a fact that he loved me enough to not leave like Wade did and if he did, it wouldn't hurt as much as when Wade left. I had controlled how I felt when it came to Noah to escape disappointment if it ever came.

I collapsed on my bed. Whatever I felt didn't make a difference. Could I be with Wade knowing the type of person he was? Wasn't it a risk for myself and everyone around me, to be involved with him? It didn't matter because I wasn't going to be with him. I was going to wait until he left Michigan and I would never see him again.

My phone rang and it was Noah again.

I finally picked up the call, "hi"

"Bella, what's going on? I've been..."

"I'm fine Noah", I said softly.

I wasn't going to run from him anymore and I wasn't going to keep secrets from him. He was my boyfriend and too much of a good person who deserved better than what I was currently giving him.

"Can we meet up and talk?"