Without The Love ||Jiley||

Chapter 28

My eyes follow the birds outside, flying carelessly around wondering what the day would bring. If I could change into a bird, I wouldn't even hesitate knowing birds don't precisely think about things, and humans do. Erasing my memory would be the thing that's theoretically possible. I press my lips against eachother. They're crispy and dry. My heart slowly beats it's normal rythem inside my chest. Long and deep breaths follow through my nose and mouth as I think about... really nothing actually. It's like my mind's turned off. And I like it. It makes me feel numb and peaceful. I wonder what my friends and family are thinking about me right now. I do remember how I got here. My dad often visits me here but they said that I couldn't meet my friends yet. I don't think I've got many left though. They said it could bring me back to my previous state. With that they mean curling up in a corner crying all day for al the legit reasons I have/had in my life. Carla knocks on the door, at least, I think it's Carla since it's around dinner time. "Hi Miley. How are you feeling?" She asks and puts a plate with food down on the white desk. I turn away from my calm view over the park and streets of the city and lock eyes with her. I curl a smile around my face and blink. "I'm fine. I guess." My voice is raspy and dry, I haven't talked in 5 hours. I clear my throat and stand up from my chair, walking over to the desk. "Good. Here are your daily pills and a cup of water." She says and puts it down next to the plate with the steaming food on it. "Thank you." I softly say and lay the pills on the tip of my tongue before gulping them down with a swig of water. I open my mouth to show they're gone. Carla smiles and closes the door again. I begin my dinner in silence and close my eyes while tasting the standard food. Gosh, sometimes I do wish to get out of this haze of nothingness.

(2 weeks earlier)

My pillow's wet as my face is too, I can already imagine my mascara all over my face when I look into my mirror. My eyes are swollen from all the crying and my face feels incredibly hot at the moment. I sniff and stare through the window as I lay in my bed, my knees pulled up to my stomach and my arms locked around myself. Someone opens the door behind me. Not moving a muscle, I wait till another person today comes to visit me out of pity. It's Katy this time. Her parfume takes over the other smells in my room. In the corner of my eyes I can see her sitting down and smiling. I don't think it's a happy smile. It's more like a 'I'm smiling and crying at the same time' smile. "Hey miles." Her soft vulnerable voice speaks up. I'm not in the state to answer her. My eyelids aren't even moving. "It's gonna be okay you know that?" She says and lays her hand on my shoulder. My body reacts a little startled by her touch and then eases again. "Justin will visit you after me. Your dad said it'd be too much for you if he let us both in." My eyes widen by the sound of his name, and to my surprise I'm able to swallow and move a little again. Katy sees my reaction to his name and softly chuckles. "He's really worried about you. You haven't moved or said something in a long time." She says. I wonder how long I've been in my bed then. I lost the count of days but I guess a week or so. "Anyways, I hope you get a bit better soon. We miss the old Miley around us." She says and stands up. The old Miley has been long gone, she wasn't even there before the accident happened. I hear two voices on the hallway as another person walks in. I take a deep breath without him hearing it. It feels like my heart's glowing and burning warmer again. I feel it even in the top of my fingers and the tip of my toes. He sits down carefully and leans slowly in. His lips softly touch my cheek. They felt wet and soft. "Hey." He whispers and strokes over my thigh. Something inside triggered me to move. I shift my eyes and lock eyes with him. This is like the first eye contact I had in a week time. A reassuring smile curles around his face. I shyly smile back and sigh. I still can't completely forgive him about what he did with Chanel. "I'm sorry if you don't want to see me right now after all we've been through. But I just wanted to know that you were still breathing." He silently says and bows his head down. Those words hit me hard, hard enough to reconsider wether to forgive him or point him towards the door. "It's hard, I know that Miley. And I really miss you around me." He says as I tear my eyes off him again. "Would you mind if I lay next to you?" I return a smile instead. There's nothing else in the world that would be better for me right now than his arms around me. I know what he has done to me, and I truly believe he did it for me. And I can't exactly let him go, I need his appearance around me right now while I'm in this state. He slowly steps on the bed and spoons me. His upper arm curls around my waist and touches my hand. A sudden emotion outburst overwhelms and breathes back the life inside of me. I turn around towards him and snuggle closer, my head on his chest. But not only happiness overwhelmed me. Sadness did too and I let the tears out. With soft breaths and noises I cry quietly against him. His arms grab me tighter as he shushes in my ear. "It's all gonna be alright." He says and strokes over my head. "I've been so lonely, Justin." I whine and wipe my tears away. "I can't handle this anymore. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this darkness." He puts his finger under my chin to make eye contact. His eyes stare deeply into mine, a thin line of water underneath them. "You will, I promise." He whispers and leads my lips towards his. A few soft and simple but caring pecks follow. My body gives up on me and I let myself fall into him. The kiss turns into a warm and nice feeling on my lips and I start to enjoy something for the first time in a long while. He backs away and smiles. "As much as I would love to stay in bed with you, you really have to get up and fresh yourself up. Take a long, nice and warm shower. You'll feel better." He says and strokes over my cheek. I nod and slowly move. He stands up before me and helps me up. "What do you want to wear?" He asks and spits through my closet. I try to control my dizziness and lean against the wall. "Eh, something comfortable. Doesn't matter what." I answer and walk over to him. He opens the door to the bathroom for me and leads me in, placing my clothes next to the sink. I thank him as I ask him to wait in my room before leaving. I undress myself struggling to get my jeans out. I look into the wide mirror and watch at my scarred and bruised body. Only the sight of this is already trying to tear me down and collapse on the floor, curling up into a little hump of flesh. I turn around and step into the steamy shower. The water stings my wounds and scars on my back and stomach, but I can handle it.

I jump into my comfy clothes and walk out of the bathroom as I see Justin sitting on my bed with his back towards me, his head resting on his hands and his elbows leaning on his knees. He turns around and smiles when seeing me. "You already look a lot better." He says and stands up. Emotionally damaged, I softly cry because of his words. He walks over and wraps his arms around me, embracing me tightly. He kisses my crown and nuzzles in my neck. "I'll be back tomorrow okay? I've got the first two periods off so." He says and looks at me with a look of pure adoration. "Okay." I say and lean in, kissing him with all the passion that is left in me. I place my hand in his neck and look down. "I still love you, you know that. And I've never thought differently about you. If you really wanna know why I did things with Chanel it was because she was blackmailing me." I see the hurt in his eyes while he tells me. I just want this to be over with. "She said that, if I didn't do it with her that she'd make it worse for you thus for me. And if I did she could make sure that Taylor would keep it down a bit. I had to take the shot..." He drags out and looks at me again. "I forgive you. Please, tell me when things like that happen, okay?" I ask and swallow the lump in my throat. "I will." I sigh and hug him again. "And I love you too." I smile at him and watch him walk out of the door. My dad walks in and smiles. "You freshed up." He says and hands a package to me. "Thanks." I say and frown. "Get well." He says and walks away again. He package looks very unfamiliar to me. It says Anonymous at the top. I curiously open the box and found myself lost. Inside the box layed a small plastic bag, and inside... inside the bag there were familiar pills hidden. My mouth runs dry and I look around myself. I feel my blood rushing and golfing in my head, kind of like a time bomb. Who sended it? Do they look different than before? I sorta have the idea they do. The light blue is darker and the dark blue is lighter.  I have been longing for these pills for over a week.

And with that, I wasn't able to resist them as I lay two pills on my tongue not caring about what was really in there. The loving feeling I yearned for returned.

But I feel differently, somehow.