FOUND

the first year

the first thing they tell you when you lose a loved one is that the first year is the hardest.

they tell you that the first year is the hardest and in the second and third it gets easier to breathe.

the first year is not the hardest, it is every year after.

it's the year that you spend eleven months trying to put the pieces of yourself back together and convince people you're almost a real human

it's the year you practice self care in an attempt to make yourself believe you deserve any happiness in this world

it's the year that you almost decide you're okay, the year you found your happy place. this year hurts worse than the rest because you were so god damn close but that month came around and you almost missed the guilt you feel for being happy without them here. the first year is the hardest and this is not the first year, so maybe you don't have to feel guilty. except you do. because their picture is your home screen and as you open your phone to post a picture of how happy you are, they are looking at you and they are smiling and they are not here. you cannot smile without them here because how dare you be happy without your loved one hugging you close to their chest and how dare you look that picture in the eye and tell them that you can live without them.

the first year is not the hardest.