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my fathers casket

i know you're supposed to say something when you're standing over your dead father in an open casket. but my uncle was holding me tight, and we were not alone enough for me to say what i needed to say. i could've whispered but what if you didn't hear me right? i decided to write you a note last minute and this was before i knew you'd be cremated so i guess that's a waste of paper. i wanted to tell you that i'm sorry i didn't answer your last text and i'm sorry i was such a god awful teenager. i'm sorry i had such an awful attitude and i was never verbally grateful for the things you did for me. and dad, i promise i'll grow up and be the woman you hoped for me to be. this promise didn't last long when i was making out with my chemistry partner in the girls bathroom about a month later. but in my defense, i thought i loved her. now dad, i know you told me i don't know what love is yet but that was last year and you aren't here to remind me and she has such soft skin. and i know you would tell me to pray more, that only god can help me. but this girl, she skips classes with me and i think she's helping. okay so we broke up, and you were right. but dad, she snuck in and hugged me every night before bed and if i closed my eyes hard enough i could pretend it was you hugging me goodnight.