Toxic

Prologue

Love is a very strange concept. The variety in which it comes, the intensity and the way it is shown. And sometimes- the disastrous outcome to which it can lead.

When somebody asks me if I am in love, I answer that I most certainly am.

I met Jess when I finished high school. Back then I had decided that I deserved a trip somewhere, anywhere really, so I packed my bags and left. It wasn't that kind of trip where everything is planned and you actually know where you are going. No, on the contrary. Everything that I experienced on that trip, everywhere I went was completely spontaneous. I loved it. So it should not have been a surprise that I feel in love on that very trip, but to me it was.

I never was the committing type, not that I hated the idea of being in a relationship or loving someone, I just never fell in love. I had my fair share of flings and relationships in high school, but nothing too serious. But with that guy I knew instantly I wanted him and no one else.

I remember sitting on that bar stool, sipping on my drink, when I heard the scraping signaling someone was about to sit next to me. Having been a curious person, I looked up and locked eyes with him.

For a long time after that encounter I wouldn't have been able to tell what the color of his eyes were or why I found him so attractive, but I do remember being completely mesmerized. I now know that it had little to do with his looks, although he is quite handsome, it was the way he held himself, that smile he gave me, the things he said.

He and I talked for hours after that and although we did end up sleeping together later that night, we both knew it wasn't just a one night stand, this was the real deal.

We wasted no time after that. A month or so later I came back home, got myself an office job and worked part time as a barista. He moved into a small apartment near my town and got himself a job. Shortly afterwards I introduced him to my parents. They were thrilled to find out that I had a boyfriend and a charming one at that. The night my parents and us had dinner, he was the politest, funniest and most charming guy he possibly could have been and I think I fell in love with him a bit more.

We moved in together six months later. We had a small apartment, that wasn't located in the nicest neighborhood, but it was home and we did everything to make it feel that way and I guess that it was home. The nicest one we had, because home, as we are all taught is where the heart is and my heart was with him. Is with him, which is the problem I face every day.

It has been six years. We are not married, we don't have kids, but we did move to a nicer neighborhood into a small two story house.

I can't tell you where it all went wrong or how I could have done things differently to prevent it from happening. Somewhere along the way our relationship became toxic. He knows it, I know it, but maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to fix it, because we love each other, I know we do. Sometimes two people meet and fall in love, knowing that they are both a force of nature and it's bound to get ugly at some point. Nevertheless no one really enjoys thinking ahead when it comes to love, you just let it happen and when it does, there's no way out. Or at least no easy way out and to be honest with myself I don't want out. I need him and I know he needs me to.