Toxic

1. Changes

3. May 2012

I sat outside on our patio. It was completely dark outside and all I could hear was the chirping of crickets. I was wrapped in a soft blanket with my knees pulled to my chest and when I sighed it almost scared me, because in this silence it might just as well have been a scream.

We just had another fight. Jess and I have been fighting for a while now. It seems that nowadays we can just fight over anything and nothing and it gets more heated each and every time. In the beginning of our relationship we tried to work on our problems, figure out a way to fix them together. Now it's almost too much to even use the term together. We have become two completely different people.

I pity myself and sometimes even him, because we are stuck in our cycle and yet we are determined to stay together. I know I love him, but is that really enough? Is love enough to stay with someone that's been killing you emotionally for so long? Perhaps it is just the stubbornness that I know both of us have. We are both the type of person that gets things done once they are started, so maybe, just maybe, that's what we are doing- getting things done.

The noise of a door sliding open interrupted my thoughts. I raised my chin from my knees and looked up. There he was, wearing his grey sweatpants and the black shirt that fit him so smugly. Without saying anything he sat next to me, letting his legs hang off the edge of our patio. We sat in silence for a while no one saying anything. Suddenly he draped his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. I closed my eyes and let him hold me close to him, I enjoyed being surrounded by his smell, I have become accustomed to and the warmth that was radiating of him.

"I'm sorry Elaine, I really am" he mumbled.

"I know you are, Jess, and you know that the same is true for me- I am sorry. For the things I said and for the things I did, which led up to this argument in the first place."

"I love you"

"I love you too". I looked up to him, his stare meeting mine and he softly bend his head down to mine and kissed my lips softly. It was a peck more than it was an actual kiss, but it showed me that he cared, that somewhere inside of him he believed that our love was enough to make this work and who would I be to disagree? After all I loved him just as much as he loved me.

∞∞∞

My alarm clock woke me up the next morning. After having stretched my long and numb limbs I turned on my right side to cuddle up to Jess, when I realized that Jess is not in bed. I opened my eyes and found a note saying that he had to go to work early, because the new construction site he and ,his crew were working on, unexpectedly took up more time than it should have. A bit grumpy due to the fact that I didn't get so see him before going to work, I finally got up and trudged into the bathroom that was connected to our bedroom. I took a quick shower and threw my hair up in a lazy bun. While brushing my teeth I tried to analzye myself in the mirror.

Making my bun, I had left out some strands of my blonde hair, which were now framing my face. I had fairly clean skin with a few red patches from the shower I just took . Over all I was a fairly attractive women although the years have worn me out a bit. My honey colored eyes have lost some of their shine and I was on the skinnier side as stress affected my eating habits.

I spit out the foam that had collected in my mouth and rinsed it. I left the bathroom and walked into our closet to find something to wear to work. I still worked an office job although now I was actually a secretary. Us secretaries are expected to look put together and nice and although I sometimes find it tiring I still make an effort as I really enjoyed my job.