Escape from High School

Chapter 7

I finally got the guts to tell Demetria I still loved Ariana, and she took it very well, she was supportive and everything. She even told me that I should try to talk to her again, but I was so afraid. After all this time, I still had that rumor I spread in the back of my head, clear as day. That was years ago though, I can't believe I still can't get over it or her. She was just so special, she still is, but I let all of that go to waste because of my selfishness and greed. My jealousy came over me, I don't know what I was thinking. I hate myself so much for it, I think about it at least once every week, sometimes more. I just want to tell her I'm so sorry and kiss her until I can't anymore, and hug until forever, but I'm pretty sure she'll never feel the same about me. I mean, look at me. I'm fat, not really that smart and ugly. I mean, any guy beats me. I don't play any sports, I have no abs, I have no talent, I have nothing. All I have is a crooked smile that I use to cover up tears. But see: every time I feel like crying, nothing comes out. I can't talk Demetria any of this, even if she is my best friend, and I don't even know why. Why? Why me? It's just stupid crush, why can't I make it stop?

Weeks pass, I don't have the guts to say it. I'm so fucking stupid, she's gonna get another boyfriend and I'm just here wasting my fucking time. Why can't I be One of the boys? I feel so lost in this self-inflicted hatred I have for myself. It's a miracle that I'm still breathing, but Ariana has left fingerprints in my heart that I'm not ready to erase. I'd do anything for her, just to see her, even if it's to her a cup of coffee, it doesn't matter as long as I'm with her. I want her by my side, I can't stop thinking about her. Why do I do this? I'm just a shitty boy with a stupid crush.