Invisible Boy

Introduction

안녕하세요! 잘 지내십니까? 한국어 못 합니다. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ 🤣

I'm the kid with the thousand names. Charlotte, Lily, Finley, Scottie, Charcoal, Ember, and now Charles. I'm the kid who lost everyone else trying to find himself. I've gone by trans, ftm, boi, genderfluid, genderflux, her, them, xim, him. I spent so much time trying to be different that I became the same as everyone else. I was a goody-two-shoes people-pleaser. Now I'm a punk and I break the rules. I used to think I was fat. Now I know I'm sexy.

My teenage life was characterized by pain. I just finished my 104 days in treatment, after being hospitalized four times last year for suicidal tendencies. If you'd told me three years ago that I'd spend the whole of 2018 trying to break a self harm addiction, I would never have believed you. But that's life. It was hard to accept at first. I still stop every now and then, and wonder how I ever got to this point. I could have gone to college at 17, or even 16, but nobody could trust me on my own - not even myself.

I've vowed never to reach that desperate place again. Some people will never know what it feels like to watch a twelve-year-old transgender alcoholic being dragged, kicking and screaming, into a padded room. You never quite forget those screams. You never forget the look of pure agony on the child's face as he fights against the six-foot security guards, truly believing that he's about to be tortured, or killed. It's horrifying. And it happens all the time. People need to know. People need to change their hearts, learn to accept even what they don't understand. It's because of this lack of understanding and acceptance that so many LGBTQ+ commit suicide. And it breaks my heart.

So, I'm going to write my memoirs. Not because I think I'm any more special or important than anyone else, but because more trans stories need to be heard. I recently spent an hour on the public library catalog in my state, and there are exactly 13 entries for the keyword "transgender". None of the copies were available, and those that were, sat in libraries more than an hour from where I live. Sure, most of the book market is online now, but the fact that LGBTQ+ books seem to only exist in cyberspace doesn't really lend to our credibility. Things are changing, though, and hopefully for the better.

This journal will center around my experiences as an adolescent transman, as I rebuild my life after self harm and reintigrate into society. If you're depressed, or anxious, or LGBTQ and looking for validation or someone who at least tries to understand, keep reading. If you're offended by queers, keep reading and maybe you'll realize that we're people, too.