Invisible Boy

September 17

미안해요.

My gut instinct, whenever the family starts arguing, is to plug in my earbuds and turn the music up to 100. I want to avoid the conflict. I want to ignore the pain.

I realized today that, after being in the hospital half of last year, I stopped knowing my brothers. My friends. Things have happened while I was away. Some people have achieved their goals, some have made progress, and some have taken many steps back. Some are happier than they've ever been. Some are, once again, thinking of death.

I want to protect them, and yet, at the same time I want to protect myself. I want to hide.

I had my first job interview ever. Friday. I froze up a couple times. I almost had a panic attack... I felt it creeping to the edge of my body, curling its fingers round my neck. I fought it off. I actually prevented it. I told myself good things. You're smart. You're valuable. People love you. You can do this. And it worked. Praise God.

But I've been tired. Almost overwhelmed, by even the slightest things. I have to take breaks. I have to rest. And I'm not even doing bad. I think it's the anxiety. I've accomplished a ton in the past month, and just pushed my fears away to later - now they're catching up.

I tried to bring up homosexuality with my grandparents. I mentioned the lesbian priest I talked to. Grandma said, "Well, that's definitely not in line with Christianity." I tried to bring up gender identity, by referring to myself as their grandson, almost jokingly. Grandpa said, "Grandson?!" Grandma said, "Don't be silly. You're not a boy. You'll always be a girl" and "well, I don't see you as a boy. Nobody does." And now I just feel... tense. I kind of thought that since they're usually pretty open minded, they'd maybe, just maybe, be open to this. Not even close.

I'm going to talk to the church youth leader about LGBTQ stuff. He's definitely more open minded. And he's dealt with it directly, since his step brother is gay. I don't think my grandparents have even met a gay person.

I hope at some point I'll stop feeling like I have to hide.