I'm confused and my mind is blank.
Yesterday was a roller-coaster of emotions. I had a successful interview, got my first job, missed the bus to the transgender resource center, and got caught in a flash flood. My dad picked me up and refused to drive me the 15 minutes to the center.
"Is there any chance you can drive me there?" I asked. "Since the next bus won't get me there in time."
"Nope," he said.
A clipped one-word response. That's all he could give me. I'm just glad I didn't start crying.
Some boys whistled and laughed at me as I was running across the street, trying to catch the bus. I hate them. I think I hated myself, just for being there.
Today, I don't feel entirely present. My mind is blank. I'm exhausted. I can't quite bring myself down to reality. It hurts to exist. I want to be a man. I want my family to accept me. I want it so bad. I feel broken and hopeless and scared and ashamed.
These feelings were normal a few months ago. For a little while, they were gone, and I was happy. Now they're coming back. I need my therapy. I need friends.
There are so many things I want, that are impossible for me to have.
YOU ARE READING
Invisible Boy
Non-Fictiontrue memoirs of a Christian trans boy who tries to balance his faith with his sexuality and gender identity, all the while fighting off depression, anxiety, and a self harm addiction.
